1 Corinthians 2:9

"No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has imagined what God has prepared for those who love Him."


This is one of my favorite Bible verses, or what those in Christian circles would call a life verse.  I have found this verse to be proven true in my life on numerous occasions.  When I began to think about how to explain what has transpired over the past 3 months, it was this verse that came to mind.
After baby B left on April 17, we made plans to take 90 days off from fostering in order to take a break and to keep our home available in case he and his sister would be removed from their new home.   We were "closed" in foster parenting lingo to any new placements and that means that our agency would not call us to see if we could take a new little one.  We liked our plan and thought it was a good plan.
I've said multiple times in my life that God must have been laughing when He heard us make our plans for fun, relaxation, and SLEEP for the 90 days that would follow.  On Monday morning, May 29th, I received a call from our neighbor.  She had received a call from an old friend who was looking for a foster to adopt home for her newborn granddaughter.  I wasn't at first sure if our neighbor thought we could take this little baby or if she was hoping I could give her some helpful advice about the system in which this little one was now placed.  As we talked, I realized that she was hoping we could take the baby.  I am far too familiar with the snails' pace speed at which CPS works, so I said I would see what the options were to move the baby to our home.  I called Ozzie to let him know that there was this possibility of a baby, and he was not thrilled. He was very concerned that this was not going along with our plan.  I didn't feel comfortable closing a door that I felt just might have been opened by God.  We agreed to just see what would happen over the next few weeks.
The very next morning, God shoved the door wide open, and we were told that the baby would be coming to our home.  Within the next 48 hours, (May 2nd) we were holding sweet little "I" in our arms.  I can't go into detail here, but all that occurred is truly a miracle.  Her life, her well-formed body and mind are all miracles of God.  We are in love with her and enjoying each moment (maybe the 4am moments not so much) with her.  As of today, things are moving smoothly towards an adoption sometime in the future.  We are trusting God with the rest of the timetable since He has proved so capable in every other step of her life.
Life was good, "real good" (Ozzie will get this Nacho Libre reference), we were obviously still closed to any new foster placement since we had a baby.  Then I got a text from a fellow foster mom regarding two boys who were in need a new foster home.  The back story here is that after Baby B left, I had felt burdened to take older kids who were more in need of a healing home.  When Baby "I" came, that gentle nudging didn't stop, I just assumed that wasn't God's plan or it would happen much later in our journey.  Well the text made me think that maybe this was the later.  I called Ozzie expecting him to laugh me right off the phone, but he said he was "open" to taking them (OK, he might have laughed a little right before he said that).  The text and phone calls regarding possibly taking these boys all transpired on the afternoon of June 20th.  The boys were then in our home the very next day.
Life is definitely busier to say the least and of course we have had our moments of "we must have lost our minds" thoughts.  But to hear the sweet prayers of the boys' thanking God for their "new family" brings tears to our eyes and reminds us that God has been so good to all of us by working out things we could have never imagined He would do just 3 short months ago.

Psalm 90

I don't remember exactly when, but sometime around the time Baby was placed with us I was reading Psalm 90.   The last verse in this Psalm asks God to "establish the work of our hands."  These words jumped off the page getting my attention.  I prayed that God would do this regarding our work in Baby's life.
You see, God has been so good to use His word to encourage and speak to me during this fostering journey.  So I felt that God was leading me to this verse to claim it for this Baby.  As I prayed about claiming this verse, I read a devotional written by Priscilla Shirer.  She wrote about Gideon asking God for a sign to confirm that God really was speaking to Gideon, pointing out that Gideon asked God to do a hard thing regarding the dew and the fleece.  Priscilla challenged us to not be afraid to ask God to do a hard thing.  So I took on the challenge and asked God to "establish" Baby.
For the past ten months this has been my main prayer for Baby.  I thought I understood what this meant.  I thought I was praying that Baby would stay and be established in our home.   More recently, as it began to look as if Baby would be leaving us, I questioned whether I was ever correct in claiming this verse for him.  I guess it also made me more disappointed in God's plan because I had hoped that he would be established and trusted God to do just that.
Baby has been gone for one week, and for several days after he had been gone, I avoided reading my Bible because I hadn't been sleeping well, and I honestly was still disappointed in God's plan.  I finally gave in and picked up where I left off in my reading schedule.  That was Psalm 90.  I read The Message version, and I was encouraged when I read this Psalm.   But I still didn't realize I was reading the exact same Psalm that God had led me to months ago.  The next day, I read it again because I liked it so much and then decided to read it in the ESV just to see how the words differed.  That is when it finally hit me that these were the exact words God wanted me to read back then and now.  
Honestly, I still don't get it.  I don't know if I keep claiming this verse for Baby, or I keep praying that God established the work of our hands with whatever other kids we will have in our home.  However, it is comforting to me that God has led me back to this Psalm as if to confirm that He did lead me there in the beginning and still wants me to cling to His words spoken here.  Whatever happens with Baby, I do pray that the love we poured into him will take root and help establish a good foundation for his life.  Whatever happens with the next step in our foster parenting journey, I pray that God will establish the work of our hands.

Psalm 90 

Lord, you have been our dwelling place^[a]
    in all generations.
² Before the mountains were brought forth,
    or ever you had formed the earth and the world,
    from everlasting to everlasting you are God.

³ You return man to dust
    and say, “Return, O children of man!”^[b]
4 For a thousand years in your sight
    are but as yesterday when it is past,
    or as a watch in the night.

⁵ You sweep them away as with a flood; they are like a dream,
    like grass that is renewed in the morning:
⁶ in the morning it flourishes and is renewed;
    in the evening it fades and withers.

⁷ For we are brought to an end by your anger;
    by your wrath we are dismayed.
⁸ You have set our iniquities before you,
    our secret sins in the light of your presence.

⁹ For all our days pass away under your wrath;
    we bring our years to an end like a sigh.
¹⁰ The years of our life are seventy,
    or even by reason of strength eighty;
yet their span^[c] is but toil and trouble;
    they are soon gone, and we fly away.
¹¹ Who considers the power of your anger,
    and your wrath according to the fear of you?

¹² So teach us to number our days
    that we may get a heart of wisdom.
¹³ Return, O Lord! How long?
    Have pity on your servants!
¹⁴ Satisfy us in the morning with your steadfast love,
    that we may rejoice and be glad all our days.
¹⁵ Make us glad for as many days as you have afflicted us,
    and for as many years as we have seen evil.
¹⁶ Let your work be shown to your servants,
    and your glorious power to their children.
¹⁷ Let the favor^[d] of the Lord our God be upon us,
    and establish the work of our hands upon us;
    yes, establish the work of our hands!

Hard

We found out that our little guy is going to leave us this week.  It was hard to hear that there is a definite end to the time we have left with him.  Honestly, I've been on the verge of tears all week.  I have been avoiding people because I know answering their questions will just lead to more tears.  The hardest part is to see the pain in the eyes of Kailee and Benjamin.  They love him so much and will miss him terribly.
For a few days I even didn't want to read my Bible.  I just was too disappointed with God's plan at the moment that I chose to do all the talking.   I didn't want to hear from him because I knew it wasn't what I wanted to hear - surprise, baby gets to stay.
But finally I relented and picked up where I had left off with my normal Bible reading schedule.  I didn't have much hope of being encouraged because I am reading in Numbers.  Yeah, I bet you haven't heard of any earth shattering Bible studies coming from the book of Numbers either.  But there in Numbers 11, I read about the Israelites complaining about not getting something they wanted.  Okay, I can totally relate to that.  For the past several days, I've been complaining to God about all these other people who have been able to adopt without any hassle or heartache.  So maybe God did have something for me in this chapter of the Bible.
But then I continued reading and saw the burden that was on Moses.  Here he was being obedient to God, and yet he had the burden of dealing with these people who were not easy to deal with.  Ah- ha!  Here is where God wants to speak to me because I can totally relate to being burdened.  Honestly, there have been several situations Ozzie and I have been dealing with that have been hard within the last few weeks.
The really frustrating thing for me is seeing how the sin of some people effects so many lives, including sweet baby and others we have been ministering to.  Here in Numbers, the sin of the people was a heavy burden for Moses, yet it was God who had asked Moses to minister to these people.  So Moses comes before God pleading that this burden was too heavy for Moses to carry alone.  Yes, Moses - I get it!  That's me.
So I kept on reading to see what God would do for Moses.  And you know He didn't take Moses out of ministry and remove the burden completely, but He eased Moses' burden by providing help.  He had seventy people help Moses handle the people of Israel.
I started looking for my help.  Well, it came in little surprises of grace throughout the past few days.  He has used completely unexpected phone calls reminding me of God working out His plan in other areas I hadn't considered, the support and encouragement of other ministry leaders, a perfectly timed text message, a surprise visit from baby's lawyer, and the prayer of so many of you.  God has been encouraging me each day.  And you know what, I didn't cry today!!
I looked up the definition of ministry in the dictionary and was disappointed.  It is a very concise, cold definition stating that it is a service or function of a minister.  Duh!  Well, I have my own definition.  Ministry is helping others with their burdens, and as a result ministry is hard.   Despite how hard it is, we are blessed for our obedience to God and we are witnesses of His displays of majesty and grace.   Rather than dwelling on my burden, I am looking forward to witnessing God's graciousness in helping me with it.

Father Abraham

It is amazing how many times over the last couple of weeks God has brought to my attention the story of Abraham.  Abraham was prepared to let go of both of his sons, Ishmael and Isaac.   I can only imagine that one night before Abraham walked Isaac up that mountain prepared to sacrifice him.  I think it's probably a safe bet that Father Abraham didn't sleep much that night, but rather he probably wrestled with God regarding God's promise of Isaac.  Abraham also probably had many more nights of wrestling and wondering before and after Ishmael left his home.  But God was gracious enough to give Abraham assurance that He still held a promise for Ishmael and later on in Genesis 21, we see that God sent an angel to help provide for Ishmael and his mother. 
These accounts from the life of Abraham kept popping up and honestly one morning I had had enough.   I went running and I guess I was trying to run from God's reminders to be prepared to say goodbye to sweet baby B.  But I know I can't run from God, and along the way I grew thankful for His comfort given from His word. 
I am comforted that God provided for both Ishmael and Isaac.  Yes, Abraham had to say give up Ishmael, but God did not give up on Ishmael.  Although Abraham was prepared to sacrifice Isaac, God provided a ram so that Isaac could live.  I still may not be sure if baby B will be one we say goodbye to or if God will step in right at the perfect moment and allow him to stay with us, but I do know that God was in control of both situations and took care of both boys.  Just like He will take care of our baby boy. 

Positions

Due to both nature and nurture, I am a sports fan.  I am probably passing this down to the kids as we are involved in numerous sports and teams.  Some of my friends may see this as a waste of time or something that lacks any spiritual depth, but I have to disagree.  Maybe because I can speak the sports language, I refer to the field or court a lot when discussing spiritual things with the kids.
Just this past weekend, I was thinking a lot about positions on the soccer field.  Both kids play soccer and are learning the importance of playing and sticking to your assigned position.  This has been tough for Kailee because this season her team has lost some players and is sharing a couple players with another team.  So in practice Kailee is playing one position (striker), but in the games she is not playing striker; she is playing various other positions.  This has led to numerous times when the coach is yelling for her to get back in position, her current position-not the one she is comfortable playing.
Benjamin also has a position he is most comfortable playing.  His comfort level is not based on practice time, however.  He simply wants to play defense because he is worried the other team will score if he is not back there to help defend his goal.  We have talked to Benjamin about his need to be flexible and play the position that helps his team the most, rather than the one he really wants to play.
This got me to thinking about positions and where God places us.  Often God seems to put us in positions where we may not be the most comfortable.  Whether it is due to having more experience in certain areas or being fearful of situations, we all have a place we would rather God not place us because we just won't be comfortable there.  We think it might be too much work, or it may demand too much of us.  We are afraid we might fail, so we don't even want to try.  But God knows what is best for His team, and we need to think in terms of His team rather than what is best for me.  I know that the position God might place our family in, the loss of another foster child, is not one we are comfortable with.  However, God can give us His comfort and His peace and somehow use this position to grow us into better team members as we press on in this "game" in which He has already won the victory for us!

Mornings and Music

Lest you think I am falling apart over here, I can reassure you that I am not.  I am experiencing that peace of God that passes understanding because the situation is still the same - waiting mode.  But two small things are making big differences.
First, my mornings are getting a makeover.  I am not a morning person and can easily sleep in until noon.   I have also passed on this gift to Kailee.  But lately I've felt that maybe it's not so much of a gift as I thought since I'm sleeping a lot of my time away; time that is quiet and undisturbed.  So I began reading and following the advice in Early to Rise by Andy Traub.  So far, it is making a huge impact on my day and my attitude throughout.  I don't feel like I start off the day already behind and I am having wonderful time in the mornings with God that gives me the greatest jumpstart to whatever our day holds.
Second, our music has also been upgraded.  Air One radio is now on in the Metroplex, and the kids and I are enjoying the upbeat tempo and upbeat message.  Turning off the political talk (my usual go to station) and turning on music that is constantly helping me fix my eyes on Jesus has helped me sense God's peace throughout the day.

Now that my two commercials are done, I have to share what God showed me this morning.  I am reading through Exodus and using The Message Bible to change it up.  In Exodus 6 Moses is peppering God with excuses and questions as to why he certainly could not be God's man to lead the Israelites out of slavery.  Sounds a lot like me and all my questions and excuses to God about how He should not allow this baby to leave our home.  Verse 30 states that Moses said, "Look at me," when explaining to God how he was not cut out for God's plan.  But then in the next verse (Exodus 7:1), God replies with "Look at me," and all that He could and would do despite Moses and his hangups.  So instead of looking at myself and my situation and all the questions and concerns I have about it, I need to keep looking to God and who He is and what He can and will do to work out His perfect plan for our family, including baby.  My new mornings and music are helping me Look at Him even more.

In the still of the night

Can you hear it?  You must be able to because it feels like my heart is pounding so loudly that all could hear. With every beat, another question is hurled up at God.  Like an automatic rifle, just an endless barrage of "What about this God" and "It's not fair" thoughts my mind shoots off at His throne.  And like Job, I don't hear an answer.  I hear the answers of Scripture assuring me of the promises of God, but I guess right now that is not the answer my heart wants to hear.  I want to hear that this sweet baby can stay and we will not lose him to a home where I am not confident of his safety.  
The last time I heard this pounding, this anxious heart of mine, was when I was losing another life, a life I had not even met.  I remember the nights when it was so quiet and my mind felt like it was shouting.  God did carry me through that time of loss, and I know that He will do the same now.  That doesn't mean the hurt will go away or I will sleep peacefully over the next month as we wait yet again to see if this sweet baby we have poured our love into will remain with us.  But I know that in each moment, whether it feels true in the moment or not, God's heart pounds with love for me and somehow He is working out His perfect will in the life of my family. 

Philippians 1:6  I am sure of this, that He who started a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.