Hard

We found out that our little guy is going to leave us this week.  It was hard to hear that there is a definite end to the time we have left with him.  Honestly, I've been on the verge of tears all week.  I have been avoiding people because I know answering their questions will just lead to more tears.  The hardest part is to see the pain in the eyes of Kailee and Benjamin.  They love him so much and will miss him terribly.
For a few days I even didn't want to read my Bible.  I just was too disappointed with God's plan at the moment that I chose to do all the talking.   I didn't want to hear from him because I knew it wasn't what I wanted to hear - surprise, baby gets to stay.
But finally I relented and picked up where I had left off with my normal Bible reading schedule.  I didn't have much hope of being encouraged because I am reading in Numbers.  Yeah, I bet you haven't heard of any earth shattering Bible studies coming from the book of Numbers either.  But there in Numbers 11, I read about the Israelites complaining about not getting something they wanted.  Okay, I can totally relate to that.  For the past several days, I've been complaining to God about all these other people who have been able to adopt without any hassle or heartache.  So maybe God did have something for me in this chapter of the Bible.
But then I continued reading and saw the burden that was on Moses.  Here he was being obedient to God, and yet he had the burden of dealing with these people who were not easy to deal with.  Ah- ha!  Here is where God wants to speak to me because I can totally relate to being burdened.  Honestly, there have been several situations Ozzie and I have been dealing with that have been hard within the last few weeks.
The really frustrating thing for me is seeing how the sin of some people effects so many lives, including sweet baby and others we have been ministering to.  Here in Numbers, the sin of the people was a heavy burden for Moses, yet it was God who had asked Moses to minister to these people.  So Moses comes before God pleading that this burden was too heavy for Moses to carry alone.  Yes, Moses - I get it!  That's me.
So I kept on reading to see what God would do for Moses.  And you know He didn't take Moses out of ministry and remove the burden completely, but He eased Moses' burden by providing help.  He had seventy people help Moses handle the people of Israel.
I started looking for my help.  Well, it came in little surprises of grace throughout the past few days.  He has used completely unexpected phone calls reminding me of God working out His plan in other areas I hadn't considered, the support and encouragement of other ministry leaders, a perfectly timed text message, a surprise visit from baby's lawyer, and the prayer of so many of you.  God has been encouraging me each day.  And you know what, I didn't cry today!!
I looked up the definition of ministry in the dictionary and was disappointed.  It is a very concise, cold definition stating that it is a service or function of a minister.  Duh!  Well, I have my own definition.  Ministry is helping others with their burdens, and as a result ministry is hard.   Despite how hard it is, we are blessed for our obedience to God and we are witnesses of His displays of majesty and grace.   Rather than dwelling on my burden, I am looking forward to witnessing God's graciousness in helping me with it.