One Week Later

It has been a week since the boys left. A week that in some ways feels longer as I quickly adjust to a simpler, easier life and in others it feels like they were just here as I find another hidden toy. Things didn't work out the way we had wanted and we were shocked by the outcome. Reality sets in on us a little more each day that they are gone. Benjamin asked if we will ever see them again and accepted the sad reality that we probably won't. I can talk about them now without breaking down in tears. But I am still struggling with praying for them. I can pray for their safety, but part of me wants to pray that they are really unhappy and fussy and that this family member will realize they are in way over their head and just give them back to us. Then the "Godly" side of me says how selfish that is that I should be praying that the boys are happy and have adjusted to a new mommy. Then I get tired of this internal battle in my mind and simply pray that God would just do His will in their lives and ours.

Tonight we were singing a song in church and the chorus said "May Your name be lifted higher, be lifted higher, be lifted higher." That is when I realized that is what I want out of all this hurt, this mess, this anger, confusion, quieter house, simpler life....I want the name of Jesus Christ to be lifted higher. I want to say to people I don't know how we do it other than the grace of God. I want my kids to look back on this experience and see how God was faithful after all even though we couldn't see it and feel it at the moment. I want my Savior to shine brighter than the sun through the dark clouds of hurt and loss. I want His name to be lifted higher.