A little over a year ago I wrote about waiting. We were waiting for a foster placement. Now we find ourselves again waiting. We have two precious children we are currently caring for and we are waiting to find out where they will be permanently placed (ours being one of the homes considered). In the midst of the waiting, two words keep coming to mind: fear and faith. Fear first popped up on Kailee's face one morning a couple months ago. My beautiful late sleeper woke up to find that the little ones were not here. I told her that they were already gone and that is when I saw it - fear. It was written all over her face. She thought I meant they were gone forever, but she had forgotten and I wasn't specific that they had already left for their visitation that was scheduled that morning.
I also see and hear fear reflected in the precious face of one of the boys. Fear calls out in the middle of the night often. The fears of going hungry, of losing another Mommy disguise themselves in the cries of his voice. The other night I closed the door to a steamy bathroom so that the cold would not sneak in. The fear that I was rejecting him and keeping him away from me was clear in his panicked face.
Then there is my fear that if we lose them what will happen? Will they be OK? Will Kailee and Benjamin be OK going through that loss? Will we be OK and will it have been worth it just for them to be torn away from another home? Fear = lots of questions without answers.
That is where Faith comes in. My faith sustains me where my fears leave me off. Faith tells me that God will grant me and my family the comfort and peace in the midst of painful loss. Faith tells me that God's plan for these boys is more important and ultimately greater than my desires for them. Faith tells me that my God is not a God of impossible and that He can work His good even in a situation that I don't think would be a good place for them. Faith is what has to answer my children's questions about our future with these boys. Faith is what these boys have to have when they are not sure if they can trust my words that I will be here in the morning when they wake up and that Mommy is still there even though I can't see her in the middle of the night.
Now faith is the reality of what is hoped for, the proof of what is not seen. Hebrews 11:1
As long as we live on this earth, we will be waiting for something. Something to happen, something to stop, someone to come along, someone to leave. In the waiting there will be fear. But at what point do we move from the fear to faith?
Mark 4:35-41
35 On that day, when evening had come, He told them, “Let’s cross over to the other side of the sea.” 36 So they left the crowd and took Him along since He was already in the boat. And other boats were with Him. 37 A fierce windstorm arose, and the waves were breaking over the boat, so that the boat was already being swamped. 38 But He was in the stern, sleeping on the cushion. So they woke Him up and said to Him, “Teacher! Don’t You care that we’re going to die?”
39 He got up, rebuked the wind, and said to the sea, “Silence! Be still!” The wind ceased, and there was a great calm.40 Then He said to them, “Why are you fearful? Do you still have no faith?”
41 And they were terrified and asked one another, “Who then is this? Even the wind and the sea obey Him!”
