One Week Later

It has been a week since the boys left. A week that in some ways feels longer as I quickly adjust to a simpler, easier life and in others it feels like they were just here as I find another hidden toy. Things didn't work out the way we had wanted and we were shocked by the outcome. Reality sets in on us a little more each day that they are gone. Benjamin asked if we will ever see them again and accepted the sad reality that we probably won't. I can talk about them now without breaking down in tears. But I am still struggling with praying for them. I can pray for their safety, but part of me wants to pray that they are really unhappy and fussy and that this family member will realize they are in way over their head and just give them back to us. Then the "Godly" side of me says how selfish that is that I should be praying that the boys are happy and have adjusted to a new mommy. Then I get tired of this internal battle in my mind and simply pray that God would just do His will in their lives and ours.

Tonight we were singing a song in church and the chorus said "May Your name be lifted higher, be lifted higher, be lifted higher." That is when I realized that is what I want out of all this hurt, this mess, this anger, confusion, quieter house, simpler life....I want the name of Jesus Christ to be lifted higher. I want to say to people I don't know how we do it other than the grace of God. I want my kids to look back on this experience and see how God was faithful after all even though we couldn't see it and feel it at the moment. I want my Savior to shine brighter than the sun through the dark clouds of hurt and loss. I want His name to be lifted higher.

Waiting: Fear and Faith

A little over a year ago I wrote about waiting. We were waiting for a foster placement. Now we find ourselves again waiting. We have two precious children we are currently caring for and we are waiting to find out where they will be permanently placed (ours being one of the homes considered). In the midst of the waiting, two words keep coming to mind: fear and faith.

Fear first popped up on Kailee's face one morning a couple months ago. My beautiful late sleeper woke up to find that the little ones were not here. I told her that they were already gone and that is when I saw it - fear. It was written all over her face. She thought I meant they were gone forever, but she had forgotten and I wasn't specific that they had already left for their visitation that was scheduled that morning.

I also see and hear fear reflected in the precious face of one of the boys. Fear calls out in the middle of the night often. The fears of going hungry, of losing another Mommy disguise themselves in the cries of his voice. The other night I closed the door to a steamy bathroom so that the cold would not sneak in. The fear that I was rejecting him and keeping him away from me was clear in his panicked face.

Then there is my fear that if we lose them what will happen? Will they be OK? Will Kailee and Benjamin be OK going through that loss? Will we be OK and will it have been worth it just for them to be torn away from another home? Fear = lots of questions without answers.

That is where Faith comes in. My faith sustains me where my fears leave me off. Faith tells me that God will grant me and my family the comfort and peace in the midst of painful loss. Faith tells me that God's plan for these boys is more important and ultimately greater than my desires for them. Faith tells me that my God is not a God of impossible and that He can work His good even in a situation that I don't think would be a good place for them. Faith is what has to answer my children's questions about our future with these boys. Faith is what these boys have to have when they are not sure if they can trust my words that I will be here in the morning when they wake up and that Mommy is still there even though I can't see her in the middle of the night.

Now faith is the reality of what is hoped for, the proof of what is not seen. Hebrews 11:1

As long as we live on this earth, we will be waiting for something. Something to happen, something to stop, someone to come along, someone to leave. In the waiting there will be fear. But at what point do we move from the fear to faith?

Mark 4:35-41

35 On that day, when evening had come, He told them, “Let’s cross over to the other side of the sea.” 36 So they left the crowd and took Him along since He was already in the boat. And other boats were with Him. 37 A fierce windstorm arose, and the waves were breaking over the boat, so that the boat was already being swamped. 38 But He was in the stern, sleeping on the cushion. So they woke Him up and said to Him, “Teacher! Don’t You care that we’re going to die?”

39 He got up, rebuked the wind, and said to the sea, “Silence! Be still!” The wind ceased, and there was a great calm.40 Then He said to them, “Why are you fearful? Do you still have no faith?”

41 And they were terrified and asked one another, “Who then is this? Even the wind and the sea obey Him!”

Christmas 2011

We had a relaxing Christmas at home this year. We still had our two special little ones with us, so it was extra special with extra presents and assembly required. As the kids grow older and have now discovered the true meaning of Santa and Christmas, we enjoy this day together even more.

Big Kids and Little Kids

Well we have not fallen off the face of the earth. We have welcomed two little ones into our home and that keeps us busy. Since the last post, the big kids, Kailee and Benjamin have had birthdays. We had a blast hosting a Jedi Party for Benjamin's 7th birthday and a make your own stuffed animal party for Kailee's 9th! Here are some pics from both.

We didn't get pictures of all the things we did for Benjamin's party - it was a lot of work, but the boys had fun. Kailee's party was much easier and a good way to end that very busy weekend in November. I can't believe that another year of their lives has passed. What a joy and a blessing they are!

Lesson #2

So on to what happened this weekend. And if you guessed that it involved soccer than you know our family well because we are in that season of the year.
Sweet P Kailee taught me another lesson this past weekend. In my play by play typing voice....Kailee was fighting for control of the ball when she was kneed in the thigh. She could hardly put weight on her right leg, her kicking leg, for several seconds (mom voice- it felt like so much longer). She slowly started to try and walk it off as the game went on around her (mom voice again- I know she is tough, but I could see the pain on her face as the seconds, seemed like minutes, go by). Other parents have noticed that she is in pain and cannot run; we need her to run. It's a tough game and she is counted on to be a good offense player, but she is still not able to keep up. Then I hear some parents yelling for her to be taken out of the game. The yelling becomes louder as I am thinking to myself (okay yelling back in my own mind) that she's almost there, she's trying her hardest to shake it off and keep going. Finally the coaches hear some people are frantically yelling at them, and they ask Kailee if she is OK and get ready to sub her out. But my tough little Sweet P says she is fine; she wants to keep on playing. I am thinking to myself,
Oh no, she better really be OK or some of these parents are going to lose it if we lose because she can't keep up. Then within a minute, Kailee gets a great pass from her teammate and kicks it with her hurting leg and, in my best soccer announcer voice now, GOOOOOOOAL!!!!
My mommy voice wanted to roar out that's my girl; I knew she was tough, but God thankfully kept me firmly seated in my chair. Really I was holding the tears in I was so proud of her for pushing through the pain and seeing it pay off (also thinking boy I'm glad I have sunglasses because I would embarrass her if she saw me crying).
God used this to remind me of the times in life when we fall down or mess up and get hurt. It feels as if people are screaming for us to get off the field and give up. But God is there with His promise that we can do all things through Him who gives us strength. Am I listening more to people's opinions, which can seem so much louder, or am I listening to Him who truly knows what I am capable of? He knows the best because He made me and He strengthens me in my weakness to do His will.
In this game, there was the pressure of losing. In life, as believers, we already know that we have the victory in Christ. So I shouldn't waste my time trying to keep everyone else happy or comfortable, but only press on to please my Lord.



"For am I now seeking the approval of man, or of God? Or am I trying to please man? If I were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ." Galatians 1:10

Lessons from my Sweet "P"

I often call Kailee my Sweet P because she is just that, a sweet little girl with a very sweet tooth. Today I was reminded of how proud I am of her and what God has taught me through her.


Lesson 1:
Earlier this summer Kailee was part of a creative arts camp at our church. She auditioned for a special singing part in the musical which was Beauty and the Beast. Our church is big, well very big compared with most other churches in the world, so she is one of many kids trying to get a special part, so she was one of about 50 kids who were given the role of "Villager." This means that the week before the camp she has to go to special practices for a couple hours a day some days the week prior to camp. I remember at one of these rehearsals the director said she was trying to block, or set, the kids up on stage so they all could be seen because she understood how each parent wanted to be able to see their kid on stage. Admittedly, this is no easy feat with that many kids and only a certain amount of stage to work with.
The day of the performance was a tough one. She could not find a piece of her costume that she had been given (supposed to be bobby pinned in her hair, but she was not given bobby pins) and was upset about not being able to find it after the dress rehearsal. And I was upset because after sitting through the dress rehearsal, I realized there was no way I was going to be able to see her on stage. She is not a push yourself up to the front kind of person, nor is she a state my case to the costume manager type of person either (although she states more than a few cases to her Mommy). But when I was able to see her singing with the choir, she was singing her little heart out.
We made it to show time and she more than willingly gave up her front row choir spot and moved to the back, and I literally did not see her but maybe but for a fleeting moment on stage. As I sat there in my seat pouting about how much time she had invested "for nothing," God reminded me that we are to do our best for Him not for others. Kailee was singing her heart out, doing her best as I had seen earlier, not so she could be the star of the show, but because she enjoys it and wants to give her best. God used her to show me the lesson of doing my best for Him and His glory, not for praise or attention from anyone else. It's about His glory, not mine, and dare I say it not even my child's.


"And don't just do the minimum that will get you by. Do your best. Work from the heart for your real Master, for God, confident that you'll get paid in full when you come into your inheritance. Keep in mind always that the ultimate Master you're serving is Christ." Colossians 3:22-24 (The Message)

Angels and Dirtbags

As summer is nearing an end (although it doesn't feel like it :-( ), I am just now getting around to posting about our spring ball players. Benjamin joined back up with his team the Dirtbags and Kailee played softball for the first time ever with the Angels.


Benjamin played pitcher for his team and was awarded the "King of the Hill" award for his outstanding defense. The Dirtbags took 2nd in their division even though most of their players were playing up an age division. We get a lot of remarks about their name which was inspired by his coach's opposing team from Long Beach St. I thought it was funny when I overheard one mom telling her son to "go be a Dirtbag," as she was encouraging him to sit with the team.
Benjamin was one of three boys selected from his team to be on the all-star team. He enjoyed the all-star game since they allowed him to try out different positions. We got a kick out of seeing him waddle up behind home plate with all the catcher gear on.





Kailee was new to the whole bat and glove concept, but she enjoyed being with her teammates most of whom are on her much loved soccer team. This was the first time Ozzie was able to assist in coaching one of her teams. She loved that, Mommy had to adjust to not being able to count on his help during games (especially when we had foster kids). Kailee played in the outfield most of the time and her batting continued to improve throughout the season. The Angels took 3rd place in the tougher division in her age group which we all thought was great considering only a couple of the girls had ever played softball before. By the time her season ended in mid-June, we were ready for a break from team sports. On to the pool!

The Next Lesson

Last week we said goodbye to our latest placement. She was a little baby who was fun to hold and a blessing to care for. We had more of a heads up as to her leaving, so that made it a little easier. God, however, was good to me again in giving me His word to sustain me in times of questioning the decision of the powers that be in the CPS system. When I would question her safety in giving her back, God comforted me with the thought of Moses' mother who had to trust her child to Pharoah. Pharoah was an Egyptian; they were considered the enemy. I'm sure she had seen the abuse her people suffered at the hand of the Egyptians, yet she obeyed God and trusted Him with her son. How could I then not trust God with this tiny baby that I had known only for a short while. I am grateful for God's comfort and assurance speaking right to my exact need.

First Quarter

Well, the first quarter of 2011 is gone before I blinked. Where did the time go for us? Most days were filled with slow mornings in our pj's, loving sweet foster kids that we were blessed to love on. We would squeeze in a couple hours of homeschool learning about the establishment of our country and the move westward. Kailee is now learning multiplication and Benjamin is a strong little reader. We joined a science center that we like to visit and even learn while we are having fun. Kailee is taking art classes and Benjamin is persevering with piano lessons. We normally take one day off each week for Mommy's sanity and the maintaining of some sort of cleanliness of our home. Throughout the week, we have some type of sports practice in the afternoon/evening that gets us rushing out the door scampering for water bottles and the right sports gear. It was an extra challenge to pack a diaper bag as well.
Saturdays were spent watching Kailee and Benjamin use the athletic ability God has given them on either a basketball court or soccer field. They each did really well and enjoyed their sports and I managed to muffle my cheering if foster-baby was in my arms. Saturday evenings you would find us at church. We love our church and our church friends. I have no idea what we would do without the support of the body of Christ. Benjamin has now joined us in the service and it is neat to worship as a family. Sundays were varied and different from slow days at home to busy on the run from this to that days.
Here are some pictures from the last 3 months.


This was the first time the kids played on basketball teams. They had fun and we have discovered a new sport to have fun with. The newly added basketball goal has been a great addition to our backyard. You will often hear Benjamin shooting hoops here and there throughout the day.







There were quite a few snow days this winter. A kind neighbor took a picture of the whole family; this is a rare shot of all 4 of us plus the dog!! Below is one of many action shots of a snowball fight that I happily offered to keep record of rather than participate in.



Dallas hosted the Superbowl and the kids and I took advantage of the opportunity to visit the NFL Experience.


We also were an official Verizon Superbowl Watching Party and enjoyed watching the Packers win. At halftime all the kids danced away and I'm sure the whole neighborhood could hear how much fun they were having.




Once the snow cleared, we thought it was warm enough for a family fishing outing. Funny thing was a cold front came in at almost the exact time we were getting out of the van to fish. We made the most of it and found a different slightly warmer spot. Memories made and no fish harmed = success??




Yet another soccer season was upon us. Benjamin decided to try his foot at it once again and on a different, much more successful team, so this has been an enjoyable season for both of them; goals made and winning games has been icing on the cake of soccer fun!


Soon baseball/softball season begins. Hopefully I'll post those pics before Labor Day!

Keeper of Comings and Goings

I know it has been a while hasn't it. Well, since I last blogged, we have had another foster placement. We were blessed with a sweet little boy who was a lot of fun and we became attached to pretty quickly. We were told that this would be a longer term placement, so we moved forward with that mindset. However, our plans and even CPS' original plans are not in control. After one month, we were surprised to find out we had one more month with him, but then the next day, he was gone.
We were sad and surprised, but trust in God's plan not only for us, but also for this little one. The day we learned that we were not chosen as his permanent home, I made myself sit down and do my Bible study. That day the passage was Psalm 121. It was verse 8 that God used to encourage me, "The LORD will keep your going out and your coming in from this time forth and forevermore." God is the Keeper of not only my coming and going, but each child that is placed with us; we just need to trust His keeping!