Ponder

Over the summer, Kailee and Benjamin participated in a summer creative arts camp at church.  They had a blast being a part of a musical titled "The Real King and I."  It was a really neat story about the search for the real king using different songs from kingly musicals.  Kailee was part of the Oz Court that sang and danced to "One Short Day" from "Wicked," and Benjamin was the Prince of Siam in the "March of the Siamese Children" from "The King and I."

During one of the first rehearsals, I was sitting in the back holding our little foster baby.  He was really little and just about the right size for a baby Jesus.  You see the play ends at the manger because the real King is the one who you would least expect, born in a stable, not a grand palace.  This closing scene needed a real baby, not just a doll, and we were asked if our little "B" would be able to do play the role.  We were happy to help out (also didn't hurt that they told us we could sit at the front during the show- you should see the line parents wait in to get a seat).

It was the first time that I saw them rehearse the scene, that I knew I was going to have a hard time keeping it together.  Tears just kept welling up and during the various rehearsals I began to think about why this was so moving to me.  And then I thought about Mary, mother of baby Jesus, and how the Bible says she "pondered these things in her heart."  I got it.  I understood how she must be amazed at this baby that God brought into their lives.  She must have wondered at God's plan and what He was going to do with the life of His Son.  I too wonder at this beautiful baby that God has brought into our home and I wonder what God's plan for him is.  At the time of the show, we really had no idea, but now it is looking like he might leave.  And again I am reminded that fostering is HARD.

As foster families, we know that the children we care for are not ours, but yet in some since they are because we give them all of ourselves.  We don't know what God has planned for them.  How long will they be in our home?  Will this one be one we adopt?   I pondered these things as I saw a sweet baby portraying baby Jesus.  I still ponder them as I hold him and sing to him and he smiles back.  Just as Mary did not know all the details of God's plan for Jesus, she was faithful to be his mother for the time that God allowed.  I will do the same, trusting God's plan for sweet baby "B" because God's plan for Jesus was the most perfectly wonderful plan for the world.   How could I not trust Him with this baby as well.

Tongue Depressors and Tape

Oh my!  When I log in, I am shocked by how long it's been since my last post.  

Life was slower in February.  After the little boys left, we adjusted to a simpler life with just the big kids and their activities.  Both Kailee's and Benjamin's soccer teams won their championships. 

They then moved on to softball and baseball season which was fun but always much warmer than soccer season.  We finished up our school year by putting together a lapbook about the history of America.  That was a lot of fun and a nice way to wrap up two years of school.  I even had time to start sewing a duvet cover for our new master bed.

Life seemed easy.  I knew I shouldn't complain about the slowness and easiness of it because that can change in a second.  But I also knew I had extra time on my hands, so I went ahead and took a step on my own and said "yes" to helping out with VBS at church.  They needed help and I thought I had the time.  Then the first phone call to do respite for a newborn.  Okay, God I can still do VBS I thought.  Then while caring for the baby, we got another phone call to take placement of an ittybitty baby and possibly his big sister.  Well, that is when life got busy for forty-eight hours.  I now have a new empathy for moms of twins.  We all survived that couple of days and were really enjoying the cuddles with our new placement.
We had put a vacation on hold waiting to hear when big sister might come and once we realized that would take longer than originally thought, we decided to go ahead with our yearly trip to Arizona to visit my parents.  At the last second, we found respite for our foster baby and we were on our way.
I was looking forward to catching up on sleep after caring for newborns for four weeks and we all just wanted to relax and have a good time with the family.
What better way to have fun than drive a few golf balls after dinner or so I thought.  The kids were begging to have their own turns, so I saved the last two balls for them, one each.  As the sun was going down, there was just enough light to attempt to show Benjamin how to hold the club.  I just wasn't fast enough for his "let's just do it now" speed and whack, my face was in the wrong place at the wrong time.  This was a week and a half ago.  Amazing how quickly plans change.  But as I look back, it's amazing how God has directed every detail of this whole situation.
As we were racing off to the ER in the pouring rain, I kept thinking through my tears and pain, "Why didn't you warn me God.  Why didn't you just prompt me to duck or move?"  I was confused why He would allow this to happen, not just to me, but to Benjamin (my little-big worrier) as well.  A fractured zygoma was the diagnosis which sounds simple enough, but my deformed face looked worse.  Instructions to find a specialist when we returned to Dallas seemed simple enough, but this season of our life is not about simplicity I guess.  The surgeon had to back out because there was no room in the OR for my little zygomatic arch.  That started the race to find a new surgeon who could fix my broken face and fast because the bone was already starting to heal in the wrong position.
I remember waiting in the parking lot since I had arrived early.  It had been the first time I felt alone since the accident, just me and God.  I didn't question him any more, but just pleaded with Him to do what needed to be done so that I could be healed.  I even asked Him to have someone cancel so they can fit me in the schedule.  Then all of a sudden I felt like He was saying, "Get out of the van now."  So I got out and walked into the building at the same time as another lady who had scrubs on.  Wouldn't you know that she worked for this doctor and we got to chat on our way up.  I remember thanking God for the chance to meet her so that I wasn't just another patient to them.  Then more good news for me, a doctor who knew she had to squeeze me in the very next day and then I heard the assistant say, "Somebody just cancelled. That will work."  Oh how wonderful God is!  I drove home in tears of praise that He would answer my prayers so specifically.
Now looking back, instead of questioning why He allowed this to happen, I am thankful for how He has directed all the moments of this whole situation.  The golf club landed perfectly between my eye and my ear; neither was damaged.  The bone was not shattered nor was my cheekbone damaged which would have been a more difficult repair.   I was led to the right doctor at just the right time.  My mom was able to come back with us and help out SO MUCH!  Ozzie has been able to take the time here and there off work after a whole week off to get me where I needed to be.  And I am thankful for tongue depressors and tape.  You know you can't put a cast on a broken face.  But you can tape two tongue depressors on the side of your face to create a buffer zone.  Who knew that God can use such simple everyday objects in such a neat way!

One Week Later

It has been a week since the boys left. A week that in some ways feels longer as I quickly adjust to a simpler, easier life and in others it feels like they were just here as I find another hidden toy. Things didn't work out the way we had wanted and we were shocked by the outcome. Reality sets in on us a little more each day that they are gone. Benjamin asked if we will ever see them again and accepted the sad reality that we probably won't. I can talk about them now without breaking down in tears. But I am still struggling with praying for them. I can pray for their safety, but part of me wants to pray that they are really unhappy and fussy and that this family member will realize they are in way over their head and just give them back to us. Then the "Godly" side of me says how selfish that is that I should be praying that the boys are happy and have adjusted to a new mommy. Then I get tired of this internal battle in my mind and simply pray that God would just do His will in their lives and ours.

Tonight we were singing a song in church and the chorus said "May Your name be lifted higher, be lifted higher, be lifted higher." That is when I realized that is what I want out of all this hurt, this mess, this anger, confusion, quieter house, simpler life....I want the name of Jesus Christ to be lifted higher. I want to say to people I don't know how we do it other than the grace of God. I want my kids to look back on this experience and see how God was faithful after all even though we couldn't see it and feel it at the moment. I want my Savior to shine brighter than the sun through the dark clouds of hurt and loss. I want His name to be lifted higher.

Waiting: Fear and Faith

A little over a year ago I wrote about waiting. We were waiting for a foster placement. Now we find ourselves again waiting. We have two precious children we are currently caring for and we are waiting to find out where they will be permanently placed (ours being one of the homes considered). In the midst of the waiting, two words keep coming to mind: fear and faith.

Fear first popped up on Kailee's face one morning a couple months ago. My beautiful late sleeper woke up to find that the little ones were not here. I told her that they were already gone and that is when I saw it - fear. It was written all over her face. She thought I meant they were gone forever, but she had forgotten and I wasn't specific that they had already left for their visitation that was scheduled that morning.

I also see and hear fear reflected in the precious face of one of the boys. Fear calls out in the middle of the night often. The fears of going hungry, of losing another Mommy disguise themselves in the cries of his voice. The other night I closed the door to a steamy bathroom so that the cold would not sneak in. The fear that I was rejecting him and keeping him away from me was clear in his panicked face.

Then there is my fear that if we lose them what will happen? Will they be OK? Will Kailee and Benjamin be OK going through that loss? Will we be OK and will it have been worth it just for them to be torn away from another home? Fear = lots of questions without answers.

That is where Faith comes in. My faith sustains me where my fears leave me off. Faith tells me that God will grant me and my family the comfort and peace in the midst of painful loss. Faith tells me that God's plan for these boys is more important and ultimately greater than my desires for them. Faith tells me that my God is not a God of impossible and that He can work His good even in a situation that I don't think would be a good place for them. Faith is what has to answer my children's questions about our future with these boys. Faith is what these boys have to have when they are not sure if they can trust my words that I will be here in the morning when they wake up and that Mommy is still there even though I can't see her in the middle of the night.

Now faith is the reality of what is hoped for, the proof of what is not seen. Hebrews 11:1

As long as we live on this earth, we will be waiting for something. Something to happen, something to stop, someone to come along, someone to leave. In the waiting there will be fear. But at what point do we move from the fear to faith?

Mark 4:35-41

35 On that day, when evening had come, He told them, “Let’s cross over to the other side of the sea.” 36 So they left the crowd and took Him along since He was already in the boat. And other boats were with Him. 37 A fierce windstorm arose, and the waves were breaking over the boat, so that the boat was already being swamped. 38 But He was in the stern, sleeping on the cushion. So they woke Him up and said to Him, “Teacher! Don’t You care that we’re going to die?”

39 He got up, rebuked the wind, and said to the sea, “Silence! Be still!” The wind ceased, and there was a great calm.40 Then He said to them, “Why are you fearful? Do you still have no faith?”

41 And they were terrified and asked one another, “Who then is this? Even the wind and the sea obey Him!”

Christmas 2011

We had a relaxing Christmas at home this year. We still had our two special little ones with us, so it was extra special with extra presents and assembly required. As the kids grow older and have now discovered the true meaning of Santa and Christmas, we enjoy this day together even more.

Big Kids and Little Kids

Well we have not fallen off the face of the earth. We have welcomed two little ones into our home and that keeps us busy. Since the last post, the big kids, Kailee and Benjamin have had birthdays. We had a blast hosting a Jedi Party for Benjamin's 7th birthday and a make your own stuffed animal party for Kailee's 9th! Here are some pics from both.

We didn't get pictures of all the things we did for Benjamin's party - it was a lot of work, but the boys had fun. Kailee's party was much easier and a good way to end that very busy weekend in November. I can't believe that another year of their lives has passed. What a joy and a blessing they are!