Tetelestai

A few weeks ago, on Good Friday, I received an email that explained the importance of Jesus' words on the cross.  He said "tetelestai" which means "it is finished" (John 19:30).  The email went on to explain that the Greek word tetelestai is an accounting term that means paid in full.  It means that there is nothing left that is owed or needs to be done.  As I read that email, I praised God that there was nothing else that I needed to do to gain or earn salvation.  I rejoiced that I had peace in my relationship with God because it does not depend on me or my actions because Jesus has already paid my debt in full.  What is I wasn't secure and I thought there was more that I had to do to earn it or if I feared that something I did would make me lose my salvation?  That is when it clicked that this is what my son fears regarding his adoption.  He doesn't feel secure that it has been paid in full so to speak.  He is afraid that it can be undone and that we will give him up.  This fear isn't completely unfounded because at his previous home he was lied to and told that he was adopted.  And then they gave him back to CPS.  So although he has been with us for nearly two years and officially adopted for almost one, he still lives in fear.  He is afraid that if he is bad enough that we will get rid of him.  This causes him to test our patience and consistently break the rules.  This causes him to lie and accuse his siblings of things they haven't done in order to get them in trouble.  This fear also causes him to want attention and approval so he tries to compete to be the best and "one up" his siblings.  He feels the need to be the loudest or funniest or fastest or whatever "est" is applicable at the moment.  

The peace and security I have in Christ is the exact opposite of the anxiety and fear my son feels.  The problem we have is convincing him that we are telling the truth, the judge was telling the truth, his counselor is telling him the truth.  Our prayer is that sooner rather than later, he will finally believe us and relax and enjoy his permanent place in our family.  That we love him for who he is.  That we love him no matter what he does.

This simple word "tetelestai" is one that I have heard before; however, it has never meant more to me than now.  How simple the concept, yet how profound.  The words Christ spoke as the life left his body are life changing, life-giving for me.

....He sacrificed himself once and for all, summing up all the other sacrifices in this sacrifice of himself, the final solution of sin. Everyone has to die once, then face the consequences. Christ’s death was also a one-time event, but it was a sacrifice that took care of sins forever. And so, when he next appears, the outcome for those eager to greet him is, precisely, salvation.

Hebrews 9:26b-28 (The Message Bible)

Broken

I don't know how I got the idea.  Maybe someone alluded to it in one of our foster parent training sessions, but regardless of how it developed, I had convinced myself that most of the boys' issues would be resolved once they were adopted.  I believed that once they were assured that they were forever safe and loved that they would not struggle as much.  And although things are much better than they were at the beginning, there are still a few big struggles that confront us daily.
A couple weeks ago, I was grumpy.  I couldn't nail down why I was in such a bad mood, but there was no denying that I was snapping at everyone.  As the day progressed, and I began to take off my Oscar the Grouch persona, I tried to figure out what made me so irritable.  I realized that it was the disappointment of not being able to get a break that day from the struggle.  I was tired of the daily struggle.  I realized that when I look at my son, I sometimes am just waiting for the next lie or the next battle.  And I was tired.  
That night in church as I sat listening to Sheila Walsh's testimony of abuse and the consequential struggles she faced for years, I began to be overwhelmed by the realization that my son may be struggling with the effects of his abuse for years.  There wasn't going to be an easy fix by just swearing before a judge that we loved him and would never get rid of him because he did something bad.  There is not going to be a magical conversation that I am going to have with him that will heal him of all his fears.  This is a long, hard, tiring road.  He is broken, and I can't fix him.
When I felt like the weight of his broken world was on my shoulders, our pastor began a special prayer time.  He asked that those of us who needed prayer stand.  I remember wanting to pull my son up to his feet.  Then our pastor said we could stand up for someone else who needed prayer.  And as I rose to my feet, standing in place of my son, the tears began to fall.  Tears for all the indescribable pain he had to endure and now try and move past.  Tears for the times when I failed to be as patient with him as I should be.  Tears for the years of struggle that lie ahead of us.
The band began to play the song "Stronger" and it was a song that spoke to me when we were wondering if Isabella would leave.  I love that it reminds me that God is stronger than any stronghold I might face.  He is stronger than any stronghold my child battles.  The bridge of the song says "Let His name be lifted higher," and that has been my prayer in each step of this fostering/adopting journey.  I want God's name to be lifted higher as a result of our steps of faith.   I have seen God do amazing things to bring us these three wonderful children, things that are only attributable to Him.  Now I must take comfort that He will also do the same with my son.  Although it may be years down the road, I hold on to the hope that God will get the glory for the healing in that precious boys' heart.
So we press on knowing that God takes what is broken and makes it new.

Beauty from pain

It has been two years since my face had a run-in with a golf club.  I vividly remember asking God why He would allow this to happen when He could have easily just prompted me to duck out of the way as we were driving to the hospital.  The pain was not fun, and I still bear a permanent mark from the injury; however, through that ordeal God began working His wonderful plan that led us to adopting two wonderful boys who are now our forever family.
At the time of the accident, we were fostering a little baby whom we had left in respite care rather than making him endure the drive to Arizona.  Because of my injury and subsequent surgery, we needed an extra week of respite, but the original family was unable to do it, so baby boy was sent to stay with another foster family.  Enter the "M" Family.  They loved that sweet baby like crazy, and our families became friends.   Dawn and I would share our foster struggles together and encourage each other.
One year after they provided respite for us, baby boy left us.  We were heartbroken, and Dawn was such an encouragement to me.  Around the same time, her family received a new foster placement, a little boy who was about a year and a half old.  I remember talking to her about her new little one and his back story.
When our baby boy had left, I began praying about taking in older kids than what we had been caring for which was three and under.   I had also begun to ask God about switching to matched adoption rather than fostering in order to spare us the pain of losing another little one.  I felt a peace about changing up our plan, and I had begun to discuss this with Ozzie when we got a call from our neighbor regarding a baby girl who needed a home.  Isabella came to us two days later, and I was left thanking God but also wondering and praying about older kids because I really felt that was where He had been leading us before we received Isabella.
About six weeks later, Dawn texted me asking for the number of our first respite family, then on a whim (I believe a prompting from God), she asked if we would be interested in taking in her little guy's older brother, ages 3 and 5.  She also informed me that most likely this would be an adoptive placement.  I called Ozzie knowing for sure he would laugh me right off the phone, but his reply was simply "I'm open to it."  That was the beginning of another whirlwind placement, and two sweet boys became ours.
As they've been with us we've uncovered a lot of pain in their past, and as it began to move more clearly to adoption, we asked the boys about changing their names.  They were both very excited to have new names to go with their new life in our home.  We gave them some names to choose from, and the older boy used different Bible stories as his inspiration.  He liked the name David because David was brave and strong when he defeated Goliath.  Our David was going through a time when he had to speak up about some things that required him to be brave and strong.  We also had read about Joseph and all the bad things that had happened to him.  But our David was encouraged by the verse Genesis 50:20 stating that God was able to bring about good from the harm that others inflicted on Joseph.  So David Joseph is his new name.
Andrew was mistakenly called Andrew before we had even talked about changing names, and he had told me that he wished that his name was Andrew.  Fast forward several months and it officially is.  This was of course after we had convinced him that Wolverine was not a good name since his friends would probably be afraid of his hands and fingernails.  He thought that reason was good enough to go with Andrew instead of Wolverine.  Timothy is his middle name because in the Bible Timothy, although young, is wise and not to be discounted because of his youth.  Andrew, although he is the younger brother, is the encourager and comforter.  He is wise despite his youth.  Plus it sounded like "TNT" which Andrew had convinced himself was going to be his new middle name.
The story of how the boys came to us begins with pain, but it is a great testimony of how God worked such a wonderful blessing(s) out of that.  The boys' story is when that also begins with pain and hardship, but we are confident that God will use it to bring about His plan that will be far better that we could ever ask or imagine for these two sweet boys.

Happy smiles on adoption day!

Behold - A New Thing

Wow, six months since my last post.  As I think back to six months ago, I remember what was on my heart to write, but I couldn't bring myself to do it.  It was the beginning of a new year, and I was praying over what Scripture I needed to memorize.  I needed God to encourage me through His word because I was sad and confused that the little girl who was supposed to be ours would be returning to her biological father.
God kept leading me back to Isaiah 43:19, "Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it?  I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert."  Honestly, I questioned why God would give me this verse.  What new thing could He possibly do?  Did this mean a new baby?  I didn't want another baby; I wanted Isabella.  I could see no option that would allow her to stay in our home.  But God kept leading me back to this verse, so I reluctantly waited to see what He would do.  What river could He possibly make in my desert?
I remember once I gave up and told God that I would trust Him, I felt complete peace.  My situation hadn't changed at all, but He had been so clear in His word that He was doing something just trust Him, that I knew that was the choice I had to make.  So early on Wednesday morning, January 8th, I left my quiet time feeling a peace I couldn't understand because I was trusting a plan I couldn't even see or comprehend.
About two hours later, as we were rushing out the door to drop off one of the kids at preschool, my cell phone rang.  I saw on the caller ID that it was Isabella's CPS caseworker.  I answered it expecting a quick reminder about the unsupervised visit coming up the following day.  I was mistaken.  She was calling to tell me that Isabella's biological father had passed away.  Even as I type this six months later, I still feel shocked. I remember falling to my knees in tears because I was so overwhelmed with shock, but yet I was also overwhelmed by amazement that this is what God meant.
I trust in a God who controls the universe.  He controls life and death.  He knows the days of my life and has them numbered.  He knew the day of this man's death.  He knew this would happen and that would eventually lead us to this past week- June 19th.  Adoption day.  Isabella Faith is now our forever daughter. God has brought more closure to our situation because we have since found out that her father had shared with a family member that if he wasn't able to parent her that his wish was for her to stay with us.  We also will be able to share with her how he had worked so hard to get her back and had done everything he needed to in order to bring that about.  We also are so thankful that Isabella had not yet been placed in his home or that this did not happen on the day of her visit.
As I was reading again in Isaiah 43 on Thursday morning before her adoption, I came to verse 21, "that they might declare my praise."  That is why God brought us on this journey.  He wanted me to trust Him even when I couldn't see the road in front of me.  He wanted me to trust Him in the desert so that I could now stand on the mountain and declare His praise.

Introducing Isabella

I Lied

When the boys first came to our home, it was clear from the questions they were asking that they had been mistreated in various ways.  I wasn't exactly sure what the adults in their past had told them, but I was nearly certain they had been lied to in the past.  So right off the bat, we explained to them that we would not hit them when they were in trouble, which was their primary concern, and I also assured them that I would not lie to them.  I wanted them to be able to trust what I told them.
Needless to say, I have worked really hard over the past six months not to lie to them.  I have gone out of my way to keep my word to them no matter how insignificant it might seem.   On several occasions I have assured them, as most parents do, that monsters are not real.  They are not hiding under the bed or in the closet, and there aren't any monsters hidden anywhere else in our home.  It never occurred to me to answer their "what if" questions any other way.
As time has passed, and we have learned more about what they have endured, it has dawned on me that I have lied to them.  There are monsters.  The boys lived with a monster for a long time.  They suffered at the hands of this monster.  I wonder what they thought when I originally had told them that there were no monsters.  I bet they thought I had no idea what I was talking about.  And they are right.  I cannot fathom the pain they have gone through.  I cannot understand what their minds must relive some nights while they toss and turn fitfully in their sleep.  I cannot foresee the amount of time it will take for them to fully comprehend, if ever, that they did not do anything to deserve this treatment.  It had nothing to do with them.  It had everything to do with the monster.
Often the boys will refer to this person as a monster.  They have drawn pictures of the monster.  They have dreams that they kill the monster with their swords.  Their play therapist was pointing out that it's good for them to have this victory in their dreams.  It shows they feel bigger and stronger than the monster now.  I hope they continue to feel this way, but even if there are days that they don't, I continue to trust that God will reveal to them that through Him they are more than conquerors even over the monster that I now know is real.

Who shall separate us from the love of Christ?  Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or danger, or sword?... No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us.  Romans 8:35,37

1 Corinthians 2:9

"No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has imagined what God has prepared for those who love Him."


This is one of my favorite Bible verses, or what those in Christian circles would call a life verse.  I have found this verse to be proven true in my life on numerous occasions.  When I began to think about how to explain what has transpired over the past 3 months, it was this verse that came to mind.
After baby B left on April 17, we made plans to take 90 days off from fostering in order to take a break and to keep our home available in case he and his sister would be removed from their new home.   We were "closed" in foster parenting lingo to any new placements and that means that our agency would not call us to see if we could take a new little one.  We liked our plan and thought it was a good plan.
I've said multiple times in my life that God must have been laughing when He heard us make our plans for fun, relaxation, and SLEEP for the 90 days that would follow.  On Monday morning, May 29th, I received a call from our neighbor.  She had received a call from an old friend who was looking for a foster to adopt home for her newborn granddaughter.  I wasn't at first sure if our neighbor thought we could take this little baby or if she was hoping I could give her some helpful advice about the system in which this little one was now placed.  As we talked, I realized that she was hoping we could take the baby.  I am far too familiar with the snails' pace speed at which CPS works, so I said I would see what the options were to move the baby to our home.  I called Ozzie to let him know that there was this possibility of a baby, and he was not thrilled. He was very concerned that this was not going along with our plan.  I didn't feel comfortable closing a door that I felt just might have been opened by God.  We agreed to just see what would happen over the next few weeks.
The very next morning, God shoved the door wide open, and we were told that the baby would be coming to our home.  Within the next 48 hours, (May 2nd) we were holding sweet little "I" in our arms.  I can't go into detail here, but all that occurred is truly a miracle.  Her life, her well-formed body and mind are all miracles of God.  We are in love with her and enjoying each moment (maybe the 4am moments not so much) with her.  As of today, things are moving smoothly towards an adoption sometime in the future.  We are trusting God with the rest of the timetable since He has proved so capable in every other step of her life.
Life was good, "real good" (Ozzie will get this Nacho Libre reference), we were obviously still closed to any new foster placement since we had a baby.  Then I got a text from a fellow foster mom regarding two boys who were in need a new foster home.  The back story here is that after Baby B left, I had felt burdened to take older kids who were more in need of a healing home.  When Baby "I" came, that gentle nudging didn't stop, I just assumed that wasn't God's plan or it would happen much later in our journey.  Well the text made me think that maybe this was the later.  I called Ozzie expecting him to laugh me right off the phone, but he said he was "open" to taking them (OK, he might have laughed a little right before he said that).  The text and phone calls regarding possibly taking these boys all transpired on the afternoon of June 20th.  The boys were then in our home the very next day.
Life is definitely busier to say the least and of course we have had our moments of "we must have lost our minds" thoughts.  But to hear the sweet prayers of the boys' thanking God for their "new family" brings tears to our eyes and reminds us that God has been so good to all of us by working out things we could have never imagined He would do just 3 short months ago.

Psalm 90

I don't remember exactly when, but sometime around the time Baby was placed with us I was reading Psalm 90.   The last verse in this Psalm asks God to "establish the work of our hands."  These words jumped off the page getting my attention.  I prayed that God would do this regarding our work in Baby's life.
You see, God has been so good to use His word to encourage and speak to me during this fostering journey.  So I felt that God was leading me to this verse to claim it for this Baby.  As I prayed about claiming this verse, I read a devotional written by Priscilla Shirer.  She wrote about Gideon asking God for a sign to confirm that God really was speaking to Gideon, pointing out that Gideon asked God to do a hard thing regarding the dew and the fleece.  Priscilla challenged us to not be afraid to ask God to do a hard thing.  So I took on the challenge and asked God to "establish" Baby.
For the past ten months this has been my main prayer for Baby.  I thought I understood what this meant.  I thought I was praying that Baby would stay and be established in our home.   More recently, as it began to look as if Baby would be leaving us, I questioned whether I was ever correct in claiming this verse for him.  I guess it also made me more disappointed in God's plan because I had hoped that he would be established and trusted God to do just that.
Baby has been gone for one week, and for several days after he had been gone, I avoided reading my Bible because I hadn't been sleeping well, and I honestly was still disappointed in God's plan.  I finally gave in and picked up where I left off in my reading schedule.  That was Psalm 90.  I read The Message version, and I was encouraged when I read this Psalm.   But I still didn't realize I was reading the exact same Psalm that God had led me to months ago.  The next day, I read it again because I liked it so much and then decided to read it in the ESV just to see how the words differed.  That is when it finally hit me that these were the exact words God wanted me to read back then and now.  
Honestly, I still don't get it.  I don't know if I keep claiming this verse for Baby, or I keep praying that God established the work of our hands with whatever other kids we will have in our home.  However, it is comforting to me that God has led me back to this Psalm as if to confirm that He did lead me there in the beginning and still wants me to cling to His words spoken here.  Whatever happens with Baby, I do pray that the love we poured into him will take root and help establish a good foundation for his life.  Whatever happens with the next step in our foster parenting journey, I pray that God will establish the work of our hands.

Psalm 90 

Lord, you have been our dwelling place^[a]
    in all generations.
² Before the mountains were brought forth,
    or ever you had formed the earth and the world,
    from everlasting to everlasting you are God.

³ You return man to dust
    and say, “Return, O children of man!”^[b]
4 For a thousand years in your sight
    are but as yesterday when it is past,
    or as a watch in the night.

⁵ You sweep them away as with a flood; they are like a dream,
    like grass that is renewed in the morning:
⁶ in the morning it flourishes and is renewed;
    in the evening it fades and withers.

⁷ For we are brought to an end by your anger;
    by your wrath we are dismayed.
⁸ You have set our iniquities before you,
    our secret sins in the light of your presence.

⁹ For all our days pass away under your wrath;
    we bring our years to an end like a sigh.
¹⁰ The years of our life are seventy,
    or even by reason of strength eighty;
yet their span^[c] is but toil and trouble;
    they are soon gone, and we fly away.
¹¹ Who considers the power of your anger,
    and your wrath according to the fear of you?

¹² So teach us to number our days
    that we may get a heart of wisdom.
¹³ Return, O Lord! How long?
    Have pity on your servants!
¹⁴ Satisfy us in the morning with your steadfast love,
    that we may rejoice and be glad all our days.
¹⁵ Make us glad for as many days as you have afflicted us,
    and for as many years as we have seen evil.
¹⁶ Let your work be shown to your servants,
    and your glorious power to their children.
¹⁷ Let the favor^[d] of the Lord our God be upon us,
    and establish the work of our hands upon us;
    yes, establish the work of our hands!

Hard

We found out that our little guy is going to leave us this week.  It was hard to hear that there is a definite end to the time we have left with him.  Honestly, I've been on the verge of tears all week.  I have been avoiding people because I know answering their questions will just lead to more tears.  The hardest part is to see the pain in the eyes of Kailee and Benjamin.  They love him so much and will miss him terribly.
For a few days I even didn't want to read my Bible.  I just was too disappointed with God's plan at the moment that I chose to do all the talking.   I didn't want to hear from him because I knew it wasn't what I wanted to hear - surprise, baby gets to stay.
But finally I relented and picked up where I had left off with my normal Bible reading schedule.  I didn't have much hope of being encouraged because I am reading in Numbers.  Yeah, I bet you haven't heard of any earth shattering Bible studies coming from the book of Numbers either.  But there in Numbers 11, I read about the Israelites complaining about not getting something they wanted.  Okay, I can totally relate to that.  For the past several days, I've been complaining to God about all these other people who have been able to adopt without any hassle or heartache.  So maybe God did have something for me in this chapter of the Bible.
But then I continued reading and saw the burden that was on Moses.  Here he was being obedient to God, and yet he had the burden of dealing with these people who were not easy to deal with.  Ah- ha!  Here is where God wants to speak to me because I can totally relate to being burdened.  Honestly, there have been several situations Ozzie and I have been dealing with that have been hard within the last few weeks.
The really frustrating thing for me is seeing how the sin of some people effects so many lives, including sweet baby and others we have been ministering to.  Here in Numbers, the sin of the people was a heavy burden for Moses, yet it was God who had asked Moses to minister to these people.  So Moses comes before God pleading that this burden was too heavy for Moses to carry alone.  Yes, Moses - I get it!  That's me.
So I kept on reading to see what God would do for Moses.  And you know He didn't take Moses out of ministry and remove the burden completely, but He eased Moses' burden by providing help.  He had seventy people help Moses handle the people of Israel.
I started looking for my help.  Well, it came in little surprises of grace throughout the past few days.  He has used completely unexpected phone calls reminding me of God working out His plan in other areas I hadn't considered, the support and encouragement of other ministry leaders, a perfectly timed text message, a surprise visit from baby's lawyer, and the prayer of so many of you.  God has been encouraging me each day.  And you know what, I didn't cry today!!
I looked up the definition of ministry in the dictionary and was disappointed.  It is a very concise, cold definition stating that it is a service or function of a minister.  Duh!  Well, I have my own definition.  Ministry is helping others with their burdens, and as a result ministry is hard.   Despite how hard it is, we are blessed for our obedience to God and we are witnesses of His displays of majesty and grace.   Rather than dwelling on my burden, I am looking forward to witnessing God's graciousness in helping me with it.

Father Abraham

It is amazing how many times over the last couple of weeks God has brought to my attention the story of Abraham.  Abraham was prepared to let go of both of his sons, Ishmael and Isaac.   I can only imagine that one night before Abraham walked Isaac up that mountain prepared to sacrifice him.  I think it's probably a safe bet that Father Abraham didn't sleep much that night, but rather he probably wrestled with God regarding God's promise of Isaac.  Abraham also probably had many more nights of wrestling and wondering before and after Ishmael left his home.  But God was gracious enough to give Abraham assurance that He still held a promise for Ishmael and later on in Genesis 21, we see that God sent an angel to help provide for Ishmael and his mother. 
These accounts from the life of Abraham kept popping up and honestly one morning I had had enough.   I went running and I guess I was trying to run from God's reminders to be prepared to say goodbye to sweet baby B.  But I know I can't run from God, and along the way I grew thankful for His comfort given from His word. 
I am comforted that God provided for both Ishmael and Isaac.  Yes, Abraham had to say give up Ishmael, but God did not give up on Ishmael.  Although Abraham was prepared to sacrifice Isaac, God provided a ram so that Isaac could live.  I still may not be sure if baby B will be one we say goodbye to or if God will step in right at the perfect moment and allow him to stay with us, but I do know that God was in control of both situations and took care of both boys.  Just like He will take care of our baby boy. 

Positions

Due to both nature and nurture, I am a sports fan.  I am probably passing this down to the kids as we are involved in numerous sports and teams.  Some of my friends may see this as a waste of time or something that lacks any spiritual depth, but I have to disagree.  Maybe because I can speak the sports language, I refer to the field or court a lot when discussing spiritual things with the kids.
Just this past weekend, I was thinking a lot about positions on the soccer field.  Both kids play soccer and are learning the importance of playing and sticking to your assigned position.  This has been tough for Kailee because this season her team has lost some players and is sharing a couple players with another team.  So in practice Kailee is playing one position (striker), but in the games she is not playing striker; she is playing various other positions.  This has led to numerous times when the coach is yelling for her to get back in position, her current position-not the one she is comfortable playing.
Benjamin also has a position he is most comfortable playing.  His comfort level is not based on practice time, however.  He simply wants to play defense because he is worried the other team will score if he is not back there to help defend his goal.  We have talked to Benjamin about his need to be flexible and play the position that helps his team the most, rather than the one he really wants to play.
This got me to thinking about positions and where God places us.  Often God seems to put us in positions where we may not be the most comfortable.  Whether it is due to having more experience in certain areas or being fearful of situations, we all have a place we would rather God not place us because we just won't be comfortable there.  We think it might be too much work, or it may demand too much of us.  We are afraid we might fail, so we don't even want to try.  But God knows what is best for His team, and we need to think in terms of His team rather than what is best for me.  I know that the position God might place our family in, the loss of another foster child, is not one we are comfortable with.  However, God can give us His comfort and His peace and somehow use this position to grow us into better team members as we press on in this "game" in which He has already won the victory for us!

Mornings and Music

Lest you think I am falling apart over here, I can reassure you that I am not.  I am experiencing that peace of God that passes understanding because the situation is still the same - waiting mode.  But two small things are making big differences.
First, my mornings are getting a makeover.  I am not a morning person and can easily sleep in until noon.   I have also passed on this gift to Kailee.  But lately I've felt that maybe it's not so much of a gift as I thought since I'm sleeping a lot of my time away; time that is quiet and undisturbed.  So I began reading and following the advice in Early to Rise by Andy Traub.  So far, it is making a huge impact on my day and my attitude throughout.  I don't feel like I start off the day already behind and I am having wonderful time in the mornings with God that gives me the greatest jumpstart to whatever our day holds.
Second, our music has also been upgraded.  Air One radio is now on in the Metroplex, and the kids and I are enjoying the upbeat tempo and upbeat message.  Turning off the political talk (my usual go to station) and turning on music that is constantly helping me fix my eyes on Jesus has helped me sense God's peace throughout the day.

Now that my two commercials are done, I have to share what God showed me this morning.  I am reading through Exodus and using The Message Bible to change it up.  In Exodus 6 Moses is peppering God with excuses and questions as to why he certainly could not be God's man to lead the Israelites out of slavery.  Sounds a lot like me and all my questions and excuses to God about how He should not allow this baby to leave our home.  Verse 30 states that Moses said, "Look at me," when explaining to God how he was not cut out for God's plan.  But then in the next verse (Exodus 7:1), God replies with "Look at me," and all that He could and would do despite Moses and his hangups.  So instead of looking at myself and my situation and all the questions and concerns I have about it, I need to keep looking to God and who He is and what He can and will do to work out His perfect plan for our family, including baby.  My new mornings and music are helping me Look at Him even more.

In the still of the night

Can you hear it?  You must be able to because it feels like my heart is pounding so loudly that all could hear. With every beat, another question is hurled up at God.  Like an automatic rifle, just an endless barrage of "What about this God" and "It's not fair" thoughts my mind shoots off at His throne.  And like Job, I don't hear an answer.  I hear the answers of Scripture assuring me of the promises of God, but I guess right now that is not the answer my heart wants to hear.  I want to hear that this sweet baby can stay and we will not lose him to a home where I am not confident of his safety.  
The last time I heard this pounding, this anxious heart of mine, was when I was losing another life, a life I had not even met.  I remember the nights when it was so quiet and my mind felt like it was shouting.  God did carry me through that time of loss, and I know that He will do the same now.  That doesn't mean the hurt will go away or I will sleep peacefully over the next month as we wait yet again to see if this sweet baby we have poured our love into will remain with us.  But I know that in each moment, whether it feels true in the moment or not, God's heart pounds with love for me and somehow He is working out His perfect will in the life of my family. 

Philippians 1:6  I am sure of this, that He who started a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus. 

Ponder

Over the summer, Kailee and Benjamin participated in a summer creative arts camp at church.  They had a blast being a part of a musical titled "The Real King and I."  It was a really neat story about the search for the real king using different songs from kingly musicals.  Kailee was part of the Oz Court that sang and danced to "One Short Day" from "Wicked," and Benjamin was the Prince of Siam in the "March of the Siamese Children" from "The King and I."

During one of the first rehearsals, I was sitting in the back holding our little foster baby.  He was really little and just about the right size for a baby Jesus.  You see the play ends at the manger because the real King is the one who you would least expect, born in a stable, not a grand palace.  This closing scene needed a real baby, not just a doll, and we were asked if our little "B" would be able to do play the role.  We were happy to help out (also didn't hurt that they told us we could sit at the front during the show- you should see the line parents wait in to get a seat).

It was the first time that I saw them rehearse the scene, that I knew I was going to have a hard time keeping it together.  Tears just kept welling up and during the various rehearsals I began to think about why this was so moving to me.  And then I thought about Mary, mother of baby Jesus, and how the Bible says she "pondered these things in her heart."  I got it.  I understood how she must be amazed at this baby that God brought into their lives.  She must have wondered at God's plan and what He was going to do with the life of His Son.  I too wonder at this beautiful baby that God has brought into our home and I wonder what God's plan for him is.  At the time of the show, we really had no idea, but now it is looking like he might leave.  And again I am reminded that fostering is HARD.

As foster families, we know that the children we care for are not ours, but yet in some since they are because we give them all of ourselves.  We don't know what God has planned for them.  How long will they be in our home?  Will this one be one we adopt?   I pondered these things as I saw a sweet baby portraying baby Jesus.  I still ponder them as I hold him and sing to him and he smiles back.  Just as Mary did not know all the details of God's plan for Jesus, she was faithful to be his mother for the time that God allowed.  I will do the same, trusting God's plan for sweet baby "B" because God's plan for Jesus was the most perfectly wonderful plan for the world.   How could I not trust Him with this baby as well.

Tongue Depressors and Tape

Oh my!  When I log in, I am shocked by how long it's been since my last post.  

Life was slower in February.  After the little boys left, we adjusted to a simpler life with just the big kids and their activities.  Both Kailee's and Benjamin's soccer teams won their championships. 

They then moved on to softball and baseball season which was fun but always much warmer than soccer season.  We finished up our school year by putting together a lapbook about the history of America.  That was a lot of fun and a nice way to wrap up two years of school.  I even had time to start sewing a duvet cover for our new master bed.

Life seemed easy.  I knew I shouldn't complain about the slowness and easiness of it because that can change in a second.  But I also knew I had extra time on my hands, so I went ahead and took a step on my own and said "yes" to helping out with VBS at church.  They needed help and I thought I had the time.  Then the first phone call to do respite for a newborn.  Okay, God I can still do VBS I thought.  Then while caring for the baby, we got another phone call to take placement of an ittybitty baby and possibly his big sister.  Well, that is when life got busy for forty-eight hours.  I now have a new empathy for moms of twins.  We all survived that couple of days and were really enjoying the cuddles with our new placement.
We had put a vacation on hold waiting to hear when big sister might come and once we realized that would take longer than originally thought, we decided to go ahead with our yearly trip to Arizona to visit my parents.  At the last second, we found respite for our foster baby and we were on our way.
I was looking forward to catching up on sleep after caring for newborns for four weeks and we all just wanted to relax and have a good time with the family.
What better way to have fun than drive a few golf balls after dinner or so I thought.  The kids were begging to have their own turns, so I saved the last two balls for them, one each.  As the sun was going down, there was just enough light to attempt to show Benjamin how to hold the club.  I just wasn't fast enough for his "let's just do it now" speed and whack, my face was in the wrong place at the wrong time.  This was a week and a half ago.  Amazing how quickly plans change.  But as I look back, it's amazing how God has directed every detail of this whole situation.
As we were racing off to the ER in the pouring rain, I kept thinking through my tears and pain, "Why didn't you warn me God.  Why didn't you just prompt me to duck or move?"  I was confused why He would allow this to happen, not just to me, but to Benjamin (my little-big worrier) as well.  A fractured zygoma was the diagnosis which sounds simple enough, but my deformed face looked worse.  Instructions to find a specialist when we returned to Dallas seemed simple enough, but this season of our life is not about simplicity I guess.  The surgeon had to back out because there was no room in the OR for my little zygomatic arch.  That started the race to find a new surgeon who could fix my broken face and fast because the bone was already starting to heal in the wrong position.
I remember waiting in the parking lot since I had arrived early.  It had been the first time I felt alone since the accident, just me and God.  I didn't question him any more, but just pleaded with Him to do what needed to be done so that I could be healed.  I even asked Him to have someone cancel so they can fit me in the schedule.  Then all of a sudden I felt like He was saying, "Get out of the van now."  So I got out and walked into the building at the same time as another lady who had scrubs on.  Wouldn't you know that she worked for this doctor and we got to chat on our way up.  I remember thanking God for the chance to meet her so that I wasn't just another patient to them.  Then more good news for me, a doctor who knew she had to squeeze me in the very next day and then I heard the assistant say, "Somebody just cancelled. That will work."  Oh how wonderful God is!  I drove home in tears of praise that He would answer my prayers so specifically.
Now looking back, instead of questioning why He allowed this to happen, I am thankful for how He has directed all the moments of this whole situation.  The golf club landed perfectly between my eye and my ear; neither was damaged.  The bone was not shattered nor was my cheekbone damaged which would have been a more difficult repair.   I was led to the right doctor at just the right time.  My mom was able to come back with us and help out SO MUCH!  Ozzie has been able to take the time here and there off work after a whole week off to get me where I needed to be.  And I am thankful for tongue depressors and tape.  You know you can't put a cast on a broken face.  But you can tape two tongue depressors on the side of your face to create a buffer zone.  Who knew that God can use such simple everyday objects in such a neat way!

One Week Later

It has been a week since the boys left. A week that in some ways feels longer as I quickly adjust to a simpler, easier life and in others it feels like they were just here as I find another hidden toy. Things didn't work out the way we had wanted and we were shocked by the outcome. Reality sets in on us a little more each day that they are gone. Benjamin asked if we will ever see them again and accepted the sad reality that we probably won't. I can talk about them now without breaking down in tears. But I am still struggling with praying for them. I can pray for their safety, but part of me wants to pray that they are really unhappy and fussy and that this family member will realize they are in way over their head and just give them back to us. Then the "Godly" side of me says how selfish that is that I should be praying that the boys are happy and have adjusted to a new mommy. Then I get tired of this internal battle in my mind and simply pray that God would just do His will in their lives and ours.

Tonight we were singing a song in church and the chorus said "May Your name be lifted higher, be lifted higher, be lifted higher." That is when I realized that is what I want out of all this hurt, this mess, this anger, confusion, quieter house, simpler life....I want the name of Jesus Christ to be lifted higher. I want to say to people I don't know how we do it other than the grace of God. I want my kids to look back on this experience and see how God was faithful after all even though we couldn't see it and feel it at the moment. I want my Savior to shine brighter than the sun through the dark clouds of hurt and loss. I want His name to be lifted higher.

Waiting: Fear and Faith

A little over a year ago I wrote about waiting. We were waiting for a foster placement. Now we find ourselves again waiting. We have two precious children we are currently caring for and we are waiting to find out where they will be permanently placed (ours being one of the homes considered). In the midst of the waiting, two words keep coming to mind: fear and faith.

Fear first popped up on Kailee's face one morning a couple months ago. My beautiful late sleeper woke up to find that the little ones were not here. I told her that they were already gone and that is when I saw it - fear. It was written all over her face. She thought I meant they were gone forever, but she had forgotten and I wasn't specific that they had already left for their visitation that was scheduled that morning.

I also see and hear fear reflected in the precious face of one of the boys. Fear calls out in the middle of the night often. The fears of going hungry, of losing another Mommy disguise themselves in the cries of his voice. The other night I closed the door to a steamy bathroom so that the cold would not sneak in. The fear that I was rejecting him and keeping him away from me was clear in his panicked face.

Then there is my fear that if we lose them what will happen? Will they be OK? Will Kailee and Benjamin be OK going through that loss? Will we be OK and will it have been worth it just for them to be torn away from another home? Fear = lots of questions without answers.

That is where Faith comes in. My faith sustains me where my fears leave me off. Faith tells me that God will grant me and my family the comfort and peace in the midst of painful loss. Faith tells me that God's plan for these boys is more important and ultimately greater than my desires for them. Faith tells me that my God is not a God of impossible and that He can work His good even in a situation that I don't think would be a good place for them. Faith is what has to answer my children's questions about our future with these boys. Faith is what these boys have to have when they are not sure if they can trust my words that I will be here in the morning when they wake up and that Mommy is still there even though I can't see her in the middle of the night.

Now faith is the reality of what is hoped for, the proof of what is not seen. Hebrews 11:1

As long as we live on this earth, we will be waiting for something. Something to happen, something to stop, someone to come along, someone to leave. In the waiting there will be fear. But at what point do we move from the fear to faith?

Mark 4:35-41

35 On that day, when evening had come, He told them, “Let’s cross over to the other side of the sea.” 36 So they left the crowd and took Him along since He was already in the boat. And other boats were with Him. 37 A fierce windstorm arose, and the waves were breaking over the boat, so that the boat was already being swamped. 38 But He was in the stern, sleeping on the cushion. So they woke Him up and said to Him, “Teacher! Don’t You care that we’re going to die?”

39 He got up, rebuked the wind, and said to the sea, “Silence! Be still!” The wind ceased, and there was a great calm.40 Then He said to them, “Why are you fearful? Do you still have no faith?”

41 And they were terrified and asked one another, “Who then is this? Even the wind and the sea obey Him!”

Christmas 2011

We had a relaxing Christmas at home this year. We still had our two special little ones with us, so it was extra special with extra presents and assembly required. As the kids grow older and have now discovered the true meaning of Santa and Christmas, we enjoy this day together even more.

Big Kids and Little Kids

Well we have not fallen off the face of the earth. We have welcomed two little ones into our home and that keeps us busy. Since the last post, the big kids, Kailee and Benjamin have had birthdays. We had a blast hosting a Jedi Party for Benjamin's 7th birthday and a make your own stuffed animal party for Kailee's 9th! Here are some pics from both.

We didn't get pictures of all the things we did for Benjamin's party - it was a lot of work, but the boys had fun. Kailee's party was much easier and a good way to end that very busy weekend in November. I can't believe that another year of their lives has passed. What a joy and a blessing they are!

Lesson #2

So on to what happened this weekend. And if you guessed that it involved soccer than you know our family well because we are in that season of the year.
Sweet P Kailee taught me another lesson this past weekend. In my play by play typing voice....Kailee was fighting for control of the ball when she was kneed in the thigh. She could hardly put weight on her right leg, her kicking leg, for several seconds (mom voice- it felt like so much longer). She slowly started to try and walk it off as the game went on around her (mom voice again- I know she is tough, but I could see the pain on her face as the seconds, seemed like minutes, go by). Other parents have noticed that she is in pain and cannot run; we need her to run. It's a tough game and she is counted on to be a good offense player, but she is still not able to keep up. Then I hear some parents yelling for her to be taken out of the game. The yelling becomes louder as I am thinking to myself (okay yelling back in my own mind) that she's almost there, she's trying her hardest to shake it off and keep going. Finally the coaches hear some people are frantically yelling at them, and they ask Kailee if she is OK and get ready to sub her out. But my tough little Sweet P says she is fine; she wants to keep on playing. I am thinking to myself,
Oh no, she better really be OK or some of these parents are going to lose it if we lose because she can't keep up. Then within a minute, Kailee gets a great pass from her teammate and kicks it with her hurting leg and, in my best soccer announcer voice now, GOOOOOOOAL!!!!
My mommy voice wanted to roar out that's my girl; I knew she was tough, but God thankfully kept me firmly seated in my chair. Really I was holding the tears in I was so proud of her for pushing through the pain and seeing it pay off (also thinking boy I'm glad I have sunglasses because I would embarrass her if she saw me crying).
God used this to remind me of the times in life when we fall down or mess up and get hurt. It feels as if people are screaming for us to get off the field and give up. But God is there with His promise that we can do all things through Him who gives us strength. Am I listening more to people's opinions, which can seem so much louder, or am I listening to Him who truly knows what I am capable of? He knows the best because He made me and He strengthens me in my weakness to do His will.
In this game, there was the pressure of losing. In life, as believers, we already know that we have the victory in Christ. So I shouldn't waste my time trying to keep everyone else happy or comfortable, but only press on to please my Lord.



"For am I now seeking the approval of man, or of God? Or am I trying to please man? If I were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ." Galatians 1:10

Lessons from my Sweet "P"

I often call Kailee my Sweet P because she is just that, a sweet little girl with a very sweet tooth. Today I was reminded of how proud I am of her and what God has taught me through her.


Lesson 1:
Earlier this summer Kailee was part of a creative arts camp at our church. She auditioned for a special singing part in the musical which was Beauty and the Beast. Our church is big, well very big compared with most other churches in the world, so she is one of many kids trying to get a special part, so she was one of about 50 kids who were given the role of "Villager." This means that the week before the camp she has to go to special practices for a couple hours a day some days the week prior to camp. I remember at one of these rehearsals the director said she was trying to block, or set, the kids up on stage so they all could be seen because she understood how each parent wanted to be able to see their kid on stage. Admittedly, this is no easy feat with that many kids and only a certain amount of stage to work with.
The day of the performance was a tough one. She could not find a piece of her costume that she had been given (supposed to be bobby pinned in her hair, but she was not given bobby pins) and was upset about not being able to find it after the dress rehearsal. And I was upset because after sitting through the dress rehearsal, I realized there was no way I was going to be able to see her on stage. She is not a push yourself up to the front kind of person, nor is she a state my case to the costume manager type of person either (although she states more than a few cases to her Mommy). But when I was able to see her singing with the choir, she was singing her little heart out.
We made it to show time and she more than willingly gave up her front row choir spot and moved to the back, and I literally did not see her but maybe but for a fleeting moment on stage. As I sat there in my seat pouting about how much time she had invested "for nothing," God reminded me that we are to do our best for Him not for others. Kailee was singing her heart out, doing her best as I had seen earlier, not so she could be the star of the show, but because she enjoys it and wants to give her best. God used her to show me the lesson of doing my best for Him and His glory, not for praise or attention from anyone else. It's about His glory, not mine, and dare I say it not even my child's.


"And don't just do the minimum that will get you by. Do your best. Work from the heart for your real Master, for God, confident that you'll get paid in full when you come into your inheritance. Keep in mind always that the ultimate Master you're serving is Christ." Colossians 3:22-24 (The Message)