Tetelestai

A few weeks ago, on Good Friday, I received an email that explained the importance of Jesus' words on the cross.  He said "tetelestai" which means "it is finished" (John 19:30).  The email went on to explain that the Greek word tetelestai is an accounting term that means paid in full.  It means that there is nothing left that is owed or needs to be done.  As I read that email, I praised God that there was nothing else that I needed to do to gain or earn salvation.  I rejoiced that I had peace in my relationship with God because it does not depend on me or my actions because Jesus has already paid my debt in full.  What is I wasn't secure and I thought there was more that I had to do to earn it or if I feared that something I did would make me lose my salvation?  That is when it clicked that this is what my son fears regarding his adoption.  He doesn't feel secure that it has been paid in full so to speak.  He is afraid that it can be undone and that we will give him up.  This fear isn't completely unfounded because at his previous home he was lied to and told that he was adopted.  And then they gave him back to CPS.  So although he has been with us for nearly two years and officially adopted for almost one, he still lives in fear.  He is afraid that if he is bad enough that we will get rid of him.  This causes him to test our patience and consistently break the rules.  This causes him to lie and accuse his siblings of things they haven't done in order to get them in trouble.  This fear also causes him to want attention and approval so he tries to compete to be the best and "one up" his siblings.  He feels the need to be the loudest or funniest or fastest or whatever "est" is applicable at the moment.  

The peace and security I have in Christ is the exact opposite of the anxiety and fear my son feels.  The problem we have is convincing him that we are telling the truth, the judge was telling the truth, his counselor is telling him the truth.  Our prayer is that sooner rather than later, he will finally believe us and relax and enjoy his permanent place in our family.  That we love him for who he is.  That we love him no matter what he does.

This simple word "tetelestai" is one that I have heard before; however, it has never meant more to me than now.  How simple the concept, yet how profound.  The words Christ spoke as the life left his body are life changing, life-giving for me.

....He sacrificed himself once and for all, summing up all the other sacrifices in this sacrifice of himself, the final solution of sin. Everyone has to die once, then face the consequences. Christ’s death was also a one-time event, but it was a sacrifice that took care of sins forever. And so, when he next appears, the outcome for those eager to greet him is, precisely, salvation.

Hebrews 9:26b-28 (The Message Bible)

Broken

I don't know how I got the idea.  Maybe someone alluded to it in one of our foster parent training sessions, but regardless of how it developed, I had convinced myself that most of the boys' issues would be resolved once they were adopted.  I believed that once they were assured that they were forever safe and loved that they would not struggle as much.  And although things are much better than they were at the beginning, there are still a few big struggles that confront us daily.
A couple weeks ago, I was grumpy.  I couldn't nail down why I was in such a bad mood, but there was no denying that I was snapping at everyone.  As the day progressed, and I began to take off my Oscar the Grouch persona, I tried to figure out what made me so irritable.  I realized that it was the disappointment of not being able to get a break that day from the struggle.  I was tired of the daily struggle.  I realized that when I look at my son, I sometimes am just waiting for the next lie or the next battle.  And I was tired.  
That night in church as I sat listening to Sheila Walsh's testimony of abuse and the consequential struggles she faced for years, I began to be overwhelmed by the realization that my son may be struggling with the effects of his abuse for years.  There wasn't going to be an easy fix by just swearing before a judge that we loved him and would never get rid of him because he did something bad.  There is not going to be a magical conversation that I am going to have with him that will heal him of all his fears.  This is a long, hard, tiring road.  He is broken, and I can't fix him.
When I felt like the weight of his broken world was on my shoulders, our pastor began a special prayer time.  He asked that those of us who needed prayer stand.  I remember wanting to pull my son up to his feet.  Then our pastor said we could stand up for someone else who needed prayer.  And as I rose to my feet, standing in place of my son, the tears began to fall.  Tears for all the indescribable pain he had to endure and now try and move past.  Tears for the times when I failed to be as patient with him as I should be.  Tears for the years of struggle that lie ahead of us.
The band began to play the song "Stronger" and it was a song that spoke to me when we were wondering if Isabella would leave.  I love that it reminds me that God is stronger than any stronghold I might face.  He is stronger than any stronghold my child battles.  The bridge of the song says "Let His name be lifted higher," and that has been my prayer in each step of this fostering/adopting journey.  I want God's name to be lifted higher as a result of our steps of faith.   I have seen God do amazing things to bring us these three wonderful children, things that are only attributable to Him.  Now I must take comfort that He will also do the same with my son.  Although it may be years down the road, I hold on to the hope that God will get the glory for the healing in that precious boys' heart.
So we press on knowing that God takes what is broken and makes it new.

Beauty from pain

It has been two years since my face had a run-in with a golf club.  I vividly remember asking God why He would allow this to happen when He could have easily just prompted me to duck out of the way as we were driving to the hospital.  The pain was not fun, and I still bear a permanent mark from the injury; however, through that ordeal God began working His wonderful plan that led us to adopting two wonderful boys who are now our forever family.
At the time of the accident, we were fostering a little baby whom we had left in respite care rather than making him endure the drive to Arizona.  Because of my injury and subsequent surgery, we needed an extra week of respite, but the original family was unable to do it, so baby boy was sent to stay with another foster family.  Enter the "M" Family.  They loved that sweet baby like crazy, and our families became friends.   Dawn and I would share our foster struggles together and encourage each other.
One year after they provided respite for us, baby boy left us.  We were heartbroken, and Dawn was such an encouragement to me.  Around the same time, her family received a new foster placement, a little boy who was about a year and a half old.  I remember talking to her about her new little one and his back story.
When our baby boy had left, I began praying about taking in older kids than what we had been caring for which was three and under.   I had also begun to ask God about switching to matched adoption rather than fostering in order to spare us the pain of losing another little one.  I felt a peace about changing up our plan, and I had begun to discuss this with Ozzie when we got a call from our neighbor regarding a baby girl who needed a home.  Isabella came to us two days later, and I was left thanking God but also wondering and praying about older kids because I really felt that was where He had been leading us before we received Isabella.
About six weeks later, Dawn texted me asking for the number of our first respite family, then on a whim (I believe a prompting from God), she asked if we would be interested in taking in her little guy's older brother, ages 3 and 5.  She also informed me that most likely this would be an adoptive placement.  I called Ozzie knowing for sure he would laugh me right off the phone, but his reply was simply "I'm open to it."  That was the beginning of another whirlwind placement, and two sweet boys became ours.
As they've been with us we've uncovered a lot of pain in their past, and as it began to move more clearly to adoption, we asked the boys about changing their names.  They were both very excited to have new names to go with their new life in our home.  We gave them some names to choose from, and the older boy used different Bible stories as his inspiration.  He liked the name David because David was brave and strong when he defeated Goliath.  Our David was going through a time when he had to speak up about some things that required him to be brave and strong.  We also had read about Joseph and all the bad things that had happened to him.  But our David was encouraged by the verse Genesis 50:20 stating that God was able to bring about good from the harm that others inflicted on Joseph.  So David Joseph is his new name.
Andrew was mistakenly called Andrew before we had even talked about changing names, and he had told me that he wished that his name was Andrew.  Fast forward several months and it officially is.  This was of course after we had convinced him that Wolverine was not a good name since his friends would probably be afraid of his hands and fingernails.  He thought that reason was good enough to go with Andrew instead of Wolverine.  Timothy is his middle name because in the Bible Timothy, although young, is wise and not to be discounted because of his youth.  Andrew, although he is the younger brother, is the encourager and comforter.  He is wise despite his youth.  Plus it sounded like "TNT" which Andrew had convinced himself was going to be his new middle name.
The story of how the boys came to us begins with pain, but it is a great testimony of how God worked such a wonderful blessing(s) out of that.  The boys' story is when that also begins with pain and hardship, but we are confident that God will use it to bring about His plan that will be far better that we could ever ask or imagine for these two sweet boys.

Happy smiles on adoption day!

Behold - A New Thing

Wow, six months since my last post.  As I think back to six months ago, I remember what was on my heart to write, but I couldn't bring myself to do it.  It was the beginning of a new year, and I was praying over what Scripture I needed to memorize.  I needed God to encourage me through His word because I was sad and confused that the little girl who was supposed to be ours would be returning to her biological father.
God kept leading me back to Isaiah 43:19, "Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it?  I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert."  Honestly, I questioned why God would give me this verse.  What new thing could He possibly do?  Did this mean a new baby?  I didn't want another baby; I wanted Isabella.  I could see no option that would allow her to stay in our home.  But God kept leading me back to this verse, so I reluctantly waited to see what He would do.  What river could He possibly make in my desert?
I remember once I gave up and told God that I would trust Him, I felt complete peace.  My situation hadn't changed at all, but He had been so clear in His word that He was doing something just trust Him, that I knew that was the choice I had to make.  So early on Wednesday morning, January 8th, I left my quiet time feeling a peace I couldn't understand because I was trusting a plan I couldn't even see or comprehend.
About two hours later, as we were rushing out the door to drop off one of the kids at preschool, my cell phone rang.  I saw on the caller ID that it was Isabella's CPS caseworker.  I answered it expecting a quick reminder about the unsupervised visit coming up the following day.  I was mistaken.  She was calling to tell me that Isabella's biological father had passed away.  Even as I type this six months later, I still feel shocked. I remember falling to my knees in tears because I was so overwhelmed with shock, but yet I was also overwhelmed by amazement that this is what God meant.
I trust in a God who controls the universe.  He controls life and death.  He knows the days of my life and has them numbered.  He knew the day of this man's death.  He knew this would happen and that would eventually lead us to this past week- June 19th.  Adoption day.  Isabella Faith is now our forever daughter. God has brought more closure to our situation because we have since found out that her father had shared with a family member that if he wasn't able to parent her that his wish was for her to stay with us.  We also will be able to share with her how he had worked so hard to get her back and had done everything he needed to in order to bring that about.  We also are so thankful that Isabella had not yet been placed in his home or that this did not happen on the day of her visit.
As I was reading again in Isaiah 43 on Thursday morning before her adoption, I came to verse 21, "that they might declare my praise."  That is why God brought us on this journey.  He wanted me to trust Him even when I couldn't see the road in front of me.  He wanted me to trust Him in the desert so that I could now stand on the mountain and declare His praise.

Introducing Isabella

I Lied

When the boys first came to our home, it was clear from the questions they were asking that they had been mistreated in various ways.  I wasn't exactly sure what the adults in their past had told them, but I was nearly certain they had been lied to in the past.  So right off the bat, we explained to them that we would not hit them when they were in trouble, which was their primary concern, and I also assured them that I would not lie to them.  I wanted them to be able to trust what I told them.
Needless to say, I have worked really hard over the past six months not to lie to them.  I have gone out of my way to keep my word to them no matter how insignificant it might seem.   On several occasions I have assured them, as most parents do, that monsters are not real.  They are not hiding under the bed or in the closet, and there aren't any monsters hidden anywhere else in our home.  It never occurred to me to answer their "what if" questions any other way.
As time has passed, and we have learned more about what they have endured, it has dawned on me that I have lied to them.  There are monsters.  The boys lived with a monster for a long time.  They suffered at the hands of this monster.  I wonder what they thought when I originally had told them that there were no monsters.  I bet they thought I had no idea what I was talking about.  And they are right.  I cannot fathom the pain they have gone through.  I cannot understand what their minds must relive some nights while they toss and turn fitfully in their sleep.  I cannot foresee the amount of time it will take for them to fully comprehend, if ever, that they did not do anything to deserve this treatment.  It had nothing to do with them.  It had everything to do with the monster.
Often the boys will refer to this person as a monster.  They have drawn pictures of the monster.  They have dreams that they kill the monster with their swords.  Their play therapist was pointing out that it's good for them to have this victory in their dreams.  It shows they feel bigger and stronger than the monster now.  I hope they continue to feel this way, but even if there are days that they don't, I continue to trust that God will reveal to them that through Him they are more than conquerors even over the monster that I now know is real.

Who shall separate us from the love of Christ?  Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or danger, or sword?... No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us.  Romans 8:35,37

1 Corinthians 2:9

"No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has imagined what God has prepared for those who love Him."


This is one of my favorite Bible verses, or what those in Christian circles would call a life verse.  I have found this verse to be proven true in my life on numerous occasions.  When I began to think about how to explain what has transpired over the past 3 months, it was this verse that came to mind.
After baby B left on April 17, we made plans to take 90 days off from fostering in order to take a break and to keep our home available in case he and his sister would be removed from their new home.   We were "closed" in foster parenting lingo to any new placements and that means that our agency would not call us to see if we could take a new little one.  We liked our plan and thought it was a good plan.
I've said multiple times in my life that God must have been laughing when He heard us make our plans for fun, relaxation, and SLEEP for the 90 days that would follow.  On Monday morning, May 29th, I received a call from our neighbor.  She had received a call from an old friend who was looking for a foster to adopt home for her newborn granddaughter.  I wasn't at first sure if our neighbor thought we could take this little baby or if she was hoping I could give her some helpful advice about the system in which this little one was now placed.  As we talked, I realized that she was hoping we could take the baby.  I am far too familiar with the snails' pace speed at which CPS works, so I said I would see what the options were to move the baby to our home.  I called Ozzie to let him know that there was this possibility of a baby, and he was not thrilled. He was very concerned that this was not going along with our plan.  I didn't feel comfortable closing a door that I felt just might have been opened by God.  We agreed to just see what would happen over the next few weeks.
The very next morning, God shoved the door wide open, and we were told that the baby would be coming to our home.  Within the next 48 hours, (May 2nd) we were holding sweet little "I" in our arms.  I can't go into detail here, but all that occurred is truly a miracle.  Her life, her well-formed body and mind are all miracles of God.  We are in love with her and enjoying each moment (maybe the 4am moments not so much) with her.  As of today, things are moving smoothly towards an adoption sometime in the future.  We are trusting God with the rest of the timetable since He has proved so capable in every other step of her life.
Life was good, "real good" (Ozzie will get this Nacho Libre reference), we were obviously still closed to any new foster placement since we had a baby.  Then I got a text from a fellow foster mom regarding two boys who were in need a new foster home.  The back story here is that after Baby B left, I had felt burdened to take older kids who were more in need of a healing home.  When Baby "I" came, that gentle nudging didn't stop, I just assumed that wasn't God's plan or it would happen much later in our journey.  Well the text made me think that maybe this was the later.  I called Ozzie expecting him to laugh me right off the phone, but he said he was "open" to taking them (OK, he might have laughed a little right before he said that).  The text and phone calls regarding possibly taking these boys all transpired on the afternoon of June 20th.  The boys were then in our home the very next day.
Life is definitely busier to say the least and of course we have had our moments of "we must have lost our minds" thoughts.  But to hear the sweet prayers of the boys' thanking God for their "new family" brings tears to our eyes and reminds us that God has been so good to all of us by working out things we could have never imagined He would do just 3 short months ago.

Psalm 90

I don't remember exactly when, but sometime around the time Baby was placed with us I was reading Psalm 90.   The last verse in this Psalm asks God to "establish the work of our hands."  These words jumped off the page getting my attention.  I prayed that God would do this regarding our work in Baby's life.
You see, God has been so good to use His word to encourage and speak to me during this fostering journey.  So I felt that God was leading me to this verse to claim it for this Baby.  As I prayed about claiming this verse, I read a devotional written by Priscilla Shirer.  She wrote about Gideon asking God for a sign to confirm that God really was speaking to Gideon, pointing out that Gideon asked God to do a hard thing regarding the dew and the fleece.  Priscilla challenged us to not be afraid to ask God to do a hard thing.  So I took on the challenge and asked God to "establish" Baby.
For the past ten months this has been my main prayer for Baby.  I thought I understood what this meant.  I thought I was praying that Baby would stay and be established in our home.   More recently, as it began to look as if Baby would be leaving us, I questioned whether I was ever correct in claiming this verse for him.  I guess it also made me more disappointed in God's plan because I had hoped that he would be established and trusted God to do just that.
Baby has been gone for one week, and for several days after he had been gone, I avoided reading my Bible because I hadn't been sleeping well, and I honestly was still disappointed in God's plan.  I finally gave in and picked up where I left off in my reading schedule.  That was Psalm 90.  I read The Message version, and I was encouraged when I read this Psalm.   But I still didn't realize I was reading the exact same Psalm that God had led me to months ago.  The next day, I read it again because I liked it so much and then decided to read it in the ESV just to see how the words differed.  That is when it finally hit me that these were the exact words God wanted me to read back then and now.  
Honestly, I still don't get it.  I don't know if I keep claiming this verse for Baby, or I keep praying that God established the work of our hands with whatever other kids we will have in our home.  However, it is comforting to me that God has led me back to this Psalm as if to confirm that He did lead me there in the beginning and still wants me to cling to His words spoken here.  Whatever happens with Baby, I do pray that the love we poured into him will take root and help establish a good foundation for his life.  Whatever happens with the next step in our foster parenting journey, I pray that God will establish the work of our hands.

Psalm 90 

Lord, you have been our dwelling place^[a]
    in all generations.
² Before the mountains were brought forth,
    or ever you had formed the earth and the world,
    from everlasting to everlasting you are God.

³ You return man to dust
    and say, “Return, O children of man!”^[b]
4 For a thousand years in your sight
    are but as yesterday when it is past,
    or as a watch in the night.

⁵ You sweep them away as with a flood; they are like a dream,
    like grass that is renewed in the morning:
⁶ in the morning it flourishes and is renewed;
    in the evening it fades and withers.

⁷ For we are brought to an end by your anger;
    by your wrath we are dismayed.
⁸ You have set our iniquities before you,
    our secret sins in the light of your presence.

⁹ For all our days pass away under your wrath;
    we bring our years to an end like a sigh.
¹⁰ The years of our life are seventy,
    or even by reason of strength eighty;
yet their span^[c] is but toil and trouble;
    they are soon gone, and we fly away.
¹¹ Who considers the power of your anger,
    and your wrath according to the fear of you?

¹² So teach us to number our days
    that we may get a heart of wisdom.
¹³ Return, O Lord! How long?
    Have pity on your servants!
¹⁴ Satisfy us in the morning with your steadfast love,
    that we may rejoice and be glad all our days.
¹⁵ Make us glad for as many days as you have afflicted us,
    and for as many years as we have seen evil.
¹⁶ Let your work be shown to your servants,
    and your glorious power to their children.
¹⁷ Let the favor^[d] of the Lord our God be upon us,
    and establish the work of our hands upon us;
    yes, establish the work of our hands!